Human nature

Love deconstructed

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Love deconstructed

On the epic song by Jay-Z and Kanye West “No Church in the world”, Kanye West points out that love is ruined by monogamy. This is an interesting sentiment, one that disputes the validity of a marriage institute. Marriage is an institution created by the church to unite people who love each other romantically. It wasn’t always like this, to get married because of emotions and feelings would be considered an obscenity in the good old days of the past. People got married for reasons that were practical economically, they joined to unite fortunes and establish a powerbase. Marriage was a legal binding entity used to preserve wealth among families. It was not a measure of one’s love and dedication. However, going forward things changed with the entrance of the romantics. They affected and changed culture in a big way. Writers and poets started making an art form of this phenomena known as love. It was contagious and spread all over the world. De Beers located a diamond mine in South Africa but since diamonds had no value, they created value through the visuals of Hollywood movies and ads on billboards and newspapers – it was a frenzy, diamonds were everywhere, on printed media, billboards, television, in music and referenced by poets. Diamonds were made desirable. They were made valuable. They now demonstrated the love you had for your partner. Culture derived, formulated and concluded that your engagement ring should be worth at least 3 months of your paycheck. It was a madhouse and everyone was in the delirium. For their efforts, De Beers made riches and they continue to own the diamond market in the world. Their success is attributed to the romantic age. The romantic age contained an impractical people. Indoctrinated in the constitution of the church, they believed in monogamy that is one partner for one man. The Romantics added to that and proclaimed that this partner should complete and fulfill you. The romantics United love and sex. The romantics were irrational, deluded and impractical. An institution that unites love and sex is flawed simply because sex is a form of expression. Sex is gratifying a desire. Sex is individuality. Sex procreates. It is possible to love you and not be sexually attracted to you. In the same way that I can have a mistress that I have sexual relations with and not love. In fact, it is the norm in our culture. We see this on books like “The Great Gatsby” with the characters of Tom Buchanan, Daisy, Tom’s mistress and Gatsby. Dispite his known infidelity, Tom goes back home to Daisy. We see this with Daisy too, she has an affair with Gatsby and later goes back to Tom. For Tom, Daisy represents stability, his heart and it is the same with Daisy. Their infidelities don’t mean that they don’t love each other. This is also exhibited on the 1974 movie “Emmanuelle”, where Emmanuelle’s partner doesn’t marry her for mere possession, he marries her because he loves her. He encourages her to explore her sexual desires and fantasies with other people besides him, citing “You not my beauty, not my property”. All that he asks for in the relationship is transparency and honesty. For them communication and trust is vitally important. They understand that love and sex can be separate. This makes the bond they have for one another strong. For love is patient and understanding. Love is practicality and reason. Love is not vain and shallow. It is not narcissistic entitlements and pride. Love operates at a positive wavelength. It calibrates at a high conscious level. Love is the default language of the world. Love is life.

Maybe there’s wisdom in monogamy for it creates a world of order in your life. Monogamy is stable and often reliable. It fosters closer relations in the family. Monogamy is warm, stable and secure. It makes life meaningful for we can raise our children and our grandchildren and die gracefully. Monogamy is consistent and always there for you. At least that’s what it promises on paper. The salesman who’s selling us on the idea of marriage is a great one because we still go into marriage head first dispite the staggering divorce rates. The odds of a divorce are 1 in 2, that’s 50% – that means either you or a friend is getting a divorce. This is because of the unrealistic promises of romanticism. I can’t be your everything. I can’t fill the void in your heart or complete you. I am not your savior. We can’t unite love and animal sex in our relationship, we can do it for a while but don’t expect it to last forever. Reason being is that I am flawed. I am a human being and I have my days were I am not at my best. Sometimes my actions are repulsive, bad natured and suspect. I have deep rooted insecurities. I am a horrible person but I try my best to be presentable. I am repressed and I will exhibit undesirable behavior. I am a mess and untidy. Sometimes I will get defensive and angry. I am narcissistic. I have a big ego. I am imperfect. I am a born sinner. With that said, let’s create a love that will be accomodative and sustaining for someone like me. I don’t believe in forever because I live in a vacuum of time and space. So let’s create something practical and usable. What is the reason of our union? Is it for protection and wealth, is it for a partnership, is it for cohabitation, is it to start and raise a family, is it the sex, is it because you love me and want to be with me forever and ever? Let’s discuss this and put it in the world. Let’s discuss how we can make provisions for our inadequacies. Let’s come to an agreement that will suit me and you. Let’s make our love objective and with a criteria, it will help regulate our actions and we will never take each other for granted.

In his comedy special, comedian Kevin Hart explores the difference between new relationships and relationships that have gone the long mile. He explains that he hates new relationships because everything is fake and we are in a continual process to impress our partner. He states that we are willing to do anything to prove we are the right person, that we regulate our impulses and emotions, that we are overly generous with everything including sharing food off our plates on our dates – despite the fact that we don’t like sharing food. He contrasts this with old relationships, where the couple are highly familiar with each other. He makes a joke stating that if that couple went inside a shop and the one person came out with snacks and the other one came out with Juice and the one with the snacks asked the one with the juice for a sip, the person with the juice would be outraged. That he wouldn’t share his juice and it would be the topic of the whole day. Mileage on relationships reveals people’s true nature and character is the aim of this joke. Urban Poet Kanye West, explores this on songs “Paranoid” and “RoboCop” in the awesome 2008 album “808’s and Heartbreaks”. Kanye talks about a girl who completely changes on her, she’s irrational, lacks trust and overly paranoid. This paranoia creates in her a RoboCop, whose constantly surveiling Kanye hoping to get evidence. The idea here is that the romantics version of love can make you crazy. Simply because it’s built on possession, ownership and entitlement to a person. The romantics love is the same as slave trading. It is a demon that needs to be exorcised from culture. We need a new kind of love. One that is intelligent, practical, reasonable and life affirming. Generally, there are 3 stages of love. First is the infatuation stage, where everything about our love object is perfect. We just can’t get enough of that person. The relationship is new and burning with desire. Sex is a constant and we just can’t keep our hands of each other. The duration of this stage is anywhere between a year to 3 years. Then we have the second stage. In this phase, the couple start the process of knowing each other. This stage is the fruit of the infatuation phase.

It is the most rewarding phase as it fosters closer relations. It fosters intimacy and spirituality. It is liberating. It is fulfilling. The 3rd stage is the accumulation of the 1st and 2nd phases. It is the limit. A place where everything dies. This is because everything has been established. Behaviors are now habits and novelty ceases to exist. You know everything about your partner and she knows everything about you. It can even be said that she knows you better than you know yourself. This is the natural order of all relationships. Unless, you can bring it back to the first step (infatuation phase) it will die. Hence, redefining yourself and creating relationship goals is key. It will keep the fire burning and enhance new qualities you didn’t know existed in you. It will generate a sense of wonder in the relationship. It will make your partner fall in love with you all over again. It will keep your relationship youthful and exciting. Relationship goals are key because at this point in the relationship you are one, a unit, a pair and as such a third entity has been created. This third entity is the love you have for each other and it has to grow, it has to self-realize. This third entity is a energy that needs to grow and expand. It needs fuel like how your body needs food. It needs love and support. It needs continual growth. Relationship goals or mutual goals are what will propel the relationship forward. It will refresh things in the relationship. It will refresh the stages or phases in the relationship. This is because goals require specialized focus and attention. It activates traits and talents you didn’t know existed in you. Goals are challenging and hard. Goals require a lot of work. This is what will keep your relationship flourishing.

Alternatively, we could just have a 5 year lease on love and marriage. Nothing in life is certain, especially the union of two individuals. This is because of cultural differences and our perceptions of the world. Our history and past makes us distinct from one another. We have different intentions and plans. Life is a process that keeps unfolding and developing. Evolution is constantly evolving and expanding. Change is eminent. Marriage as forever is a hoax like the moonlandings. We need to be able to adapt to new environments and ultimately conquer only to move on to newer pastures. A 5 year lease on marriage is active, it is progressive and will provide different perspectives. A 5 year lease on relationships and marriage provides us with freedom to live life on our terms. We will never take our partners for granted. Our lives will be filled with novelty and we will grow and become all that we can be. But maybe the state won’t allow that, to that I propose empathy and understanding for our partners. I propose patience and a light view of the world. I propose we treat our partners like we do our children. This is because, we are all children at heart. Maybe we forgot that we are children because the world is so harsh and doesn’t condone childish behaviors. The word “childish” has become an insult, a smear campaign on one’s character and conduct, a terrible disaster. However, it doesn’t have to be that way. Consider for a minute how we treat our children. We are more emphatic, we are understanding and we are patient with them. This comes from the fact they are young, small, vulnerable and don’t know any better. We think it’s cute when they make blunders and we laugh. We are gentle. We are considerate and love them unconditionally. That is something we must adopt in our relationships. We should treat our partners like children. They are children at heart and also don’t know any better, in fact no one does. We are all lost in need of guidance, love and assurance. We should adopt the the action of giving and not expecting anything from our partners. Give with a pure heart. Give everything you have. This action will give longevity in the relationships in your life. You will be a better human being because you will be more empathic. People will seek refuge in your hands. If you treat your partner and the people all around you like children, you will see the light side of life and will laugh when life issues you a challenge. You will love yourself more. You will be strong and affirmed.

In 1998, critically acclaimed artist, the queen Lauryn Hill released an album titled “The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill”, it was lauded by critics and won Album of the year at the grammys. The album explores the subject of love. It is the most important music album ever created and is what love sounds likes. It covers, self-love, self-worth, self-identity, romantic love, family love, destiny, law of attraction, self-actualization, self-realization, ambition, Taoism, the human spirit or soul and happiness. It is an amazing album, unrivaled in any genre of music. The album is enlightened. It is an album that has the capability of changing your life in just one listen. It is an album that calibrated at an high energy level. It is natural and free. To add to the texture of the album, Lauryn Hill got kids to talk and discuss the subject of love. These kids give their insights on what they think love is – on what love means to them. That makes the album sound so special. It is heart-warming. You will never find a better album on love than this one, I promise you – it’s impossible. I encourage you to take a listen.

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Tell your crush you love them

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Tell your crush you love them.

There’s a beauty in infatuations, they color in the world, they have the ability to put you in a dream-like trance, they can make you fly, they can make you touch the sky and they have the promise of making all of your dreams come true. What is it about love that makes people lose their minds? Is it oxytocin, the love chemical that fosters closer relations with people? Human beings are social beings by trait and we need validation of some sort to survive, to live, to thrive. Love is on the first level on the Maslow hierachy of needs. Then again, love also induces cordizol, the stress hormone for it can leave us anxious, stressed and utterly mortified. Which one is it? You know we get butterflies in our stomachs when we are in love. It sounds like a part of speech but it isn’t, you can literally feel them flapping their wings and flying all about in your stomach. It is a feeling that can make a statue out of you, one that mould you into a perfect sculpture or the perfect snowman because it makes you freeze. It is a wonderful, yet terrifying thing. Infatuations, love can make you feel vulnerable like a big bullseye sign in a dart competition, the soft spot, the flank – it has the capability of taking off your panties and laying you down, down into a deep abyss of apathy and helplessness. So what do you do? Do you sit on the sidelines or do you play ball? Do you tell the one that you love, your crush that you love her and that you can’t live without her?

Infatuations are a product of the mind. They are unconscious features that are repressed within you, your mind. A sort of transference and projection. The spirit or soul is boundless, it has no restrictions or demarcations, however society deems to assign it a role, a gender based on the reproductive organs of the body. So, we indoctrinate the soul into the customs of this specific gender. The other half of the soul we repress, relegate and surpress in the realm of the unconscious. By nature, the human soul is bisexuel. When we grow up, we subconsciously take and adopt desirable qualities or features from the parent inverse our gender. Meaning, that a boy is more likely to marry a girl who has the qualities of her mother and likewise with the girl. It is a subconscious phenomena and we do this because they feel familiar. Sigmund Freud, the godfather of psychology calls this the “Oedipus complex”. He states that the little boy is jealous of his father and wishes to possess his mother but is at the same time frightened of this rival and of castration as a punishment for his incestuous feelings toward the mother but nonetheless, he wishes death onto his father. I think it’s a bit extreme but it deserves a mention. It would also explain why sons are much closer to their mothers and why daughters are far more closer to their fathers. It could also be a Ying-yang thing. I like Carl Jung’s take on this with his work on the Anima and Animus. Carl Jung states that the Anima is the female side of the male that is repressed. And the Animus is the male side of the female that is repressed. According to this, we are likely to choose a partner based on our Anima and our Animus. Of course, parents play a big role in this decision because from a young age, as children that’s where they get their education. The individual bears within himself all kinds of opinions and feelings from his parents and ancestors, but which he believes to be his own. Nietzsche states; In the son becomes conviction what in the father was a lie. Not only fathers, but mothers also determine the conduct of the individual. Every person carries within a picture of women which he acquired from his mother. From this picture, he will be determined to respect or despise women or be indifferent toward them.

Based on this telling evidence, you are crazy, you are not normal. It’s all in your mind. You are suffering from a projection that is making you see things that are not there. You are implanting characteristics and traits to a receiver that is bound to reject them. Psychology tells us that man projects onto woman one of several ready-made pictures that he carries within him; the picture of the mere sexual object, of the femme fatal, of the muse, the virgin-mother, those belonging to what Jung latter called archetypes. The same goes for woman but with different archetypes like the woman to save him and the worshiping woman among others. You think she’s perfect because you don’t know anything about her. You know what your mind is telling you about her and your mind draws data from occurances that transpired or what feels familiar, safe or homely. They say that love is blind and that’s true because when you are in love, you are focused, your brain induces chemicals, your physiology reacts and your subconscious mind fools you. Thus being infatuated with a person is the biggest compliment you can pay. The conscious mind has very little control instead your shadow assumes control. Carl Jung describes the shadow as “The sum of those personal characteristics that the individual wishes to hide from others and from himself.” The shadow lurks in the subconscious and is operant when the conscious mind has lost all sight of reality. This makes sense because when you are infatuated with someone, all you do is think about them. You bill them up to more than they actually are. You see no imperfections and frailties, your reasoning capabilities are out of touch and you think they are the most wonderful person in the world! And maybe they are because truth is a subjective concept and you, well you are crazy but it’s alright.

Tell your crush you love them. This is a test, this is about you. By doing this, it will reveal things you didn’t know about yourself. It is an act that will make you courageous. It will empower you because this comes from your lens, your reality, your map of experience. It is personal and subjective and it will liberate your soul. You crush possess traits and characteristics that you love on a subconscious level, it is like holding a mirror to your soul. Take advantage of it, that’s the universal, God or whatever you believe in telling you to go for it – it is a map of experience that is specifically designed for you. It is an experience, a moment in this vast and expanding universe to know something of substance and value about yourself, your history and even your ancestry line. It is an opportunity to free apathy from your life. It is an opportunity to follow your dreams. It doesn’t matter how you do it, do what comes natural to you, do it so you maximize your returns. Write a poem, sing a song get your creative juices running. Be encouraged, be inspired – this is a big moment in your life. Sure, he/she might reject you and rightfully so because like we covered you are crazy but so is everyone else. This important feat is not about the response you’ll get, it’s about personal growth and self-gratification. It is about understanding of the self. Love is difficult, complicated, unreliable and unstable and you took a risk, you took a chance! Who knows maybe in a perfect world, the person of your affection will return your love. Maybe your life will be perfect. Isn’t it a chance you should take?

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Sacred Feminine (Tiamat) – PHI

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Sacred Feminine (Tiamat) – PHI

You have to be in awe of the female form. For it concieves, it produces, brings to life, and brings about light like the awe inspiring, center of the universe mercury star. The female form is something to be worshipped for without it, nothing exists. For the building blocks of the universe, it’s essence, existed two particles that had a sexual union to bond to create the big bang! That is what string-theory (the theory of everything) is all about; scientists have dedicated their whole lives to finding out what was before the big bang. The thought that we are a product of an explosion, an orgasm is a theory they accept thoroughly, however science wants evidence of the sperm and fertile egg. Something that could prove difficult considering the universe is already in the womb, growing and expanding. Maybe science will have a theory of everything but the answer to that is not yet conceived because we are in the early stages of development in the womb. As such, we cannot comprehend the world outside the womb with no time and space. Hopefully, my extended metaphor painted a picture of the divinity of the sacred Feminine and the fact that nothing is above it. The feminine form is the start, it is awakening, it is consciousness, it is self-sustaining, it is God and it is forever. Nothing exists without a sexual union and feminity is the source that nourishes and harneses growth and well-being of the offspring. This is the very pulse of nature, the natural order, her will. The male sperm is essential for procreation since it plants the seed, however the female body serves as an incubator to grow and protect the seed. This is nature to the female form. I think it’s amazing. It’s a miracle. Nietzsche had this to say on “Twilight of the idols”; “For the Greeks a sexual symbol was therefore the most sacred symbol. Every single element in the act of procreation of pregnancy and of birth aroused the highest and most solemn feelings. In the doctrine of the mysteries, pain is pronounced holy; the pangs of the woman giving birth consecrate all pain and conversely all becoming and growing – all that guarantees a future – involves pain. That there may be the eternal joy of creating, that the will of life may eternally affirm itself, the agony of the woman giving birth must also be there eternally. All that is meant by the word Dionysus.”

The universe is in a womb because earth is so fertile. Earth is hospitable, it is life-assuring and sustaining. From plants and trees, to the animals roaming in the Savanah, to sea animals navigating their way pacific to pacific. Mothernature is accommodating and an outstanding host. We are her children and she takes care of us. Mothernature is feminine. Reality is a combination of masculine and feminine – it is Ying Yang, it is order and chaos. The world is chaotic by nature and as living organisms we have to instill order to survive. Order is the will to survive, to thrive and live a meaningful life. This is what every living organism strives to do, from the plants to land creatures and sea animals – they strive to be more, they aspire to live one more day. This is in the genetic code of life, life affirms itself, life is masculine energy. Still, reality, the world is feminine energy. We are a perfect fit. Culture seems to understand this notion and we openly celebrate sacred feminine. This is exhibited on one of Beyonce’s songs titled “Who run the world (girls)”. This song is a celebration of the sacred feminine. SZA has her say on the song “Doves In the wind” stating that “pussy” (the female reproductive organ) runs the world, that it is basically the best in thing in the world. This of course is another salute at the sacred feminine, the spirit that runs the world. The Disney movie “The Lion King” also celebrates the sacred feminine. In the movie we see the movies lead, Simba throwing himself to the ground because of exhaustion and dirt in a form of specks and dust hover over his head and spells out the word “sex” quite visibly for everyone to see. This is a tribute to the sacred feminine and the life bearing power she has. Disney are well-known for depictions in their animation and storylines celebrating the sacred feminine. They did it again with the magical animation movie “Moana”. In a nutshell, something valuable is stolen from Mothernature. This results in an imbalance that causes Mothernature to rage on. She causes havoc and life suffers. Mothernature is personified in this motion picture. The only way to restore balance in the world is to give Mothernature what is hers. It is a beautiful movie, filled with singing and Disney magic. We also see depictions of the sacred feminine on the works of Georgia O’Keefe, to spoil the surprise they are awesome – I am a fan. “The Da Vinci Code” by Dan Brown also explores the “sacred feminine” through the story of Mary Magdalene, the church and the Holy Grail. The book provides revelations about the story of Jesus Christ and Mary Magdalene. It is said that, Jesus was married to Mary Magdalene and conceived a beautiful girl. This is a secret that the church doesn’t want to go out. As such, Mary Magdalene is slandered and branded a prostitute, a whore by the church to tarnish her image. Mary Magdalene is a product of propaganda by the church. The falsehood of this story is known by a secret society, that had once in its rank, highly esteemed individuals like Da Vinci, Newton and Botticelli. A lot of secrets regarding the sacred feminine are uncovered in this book and the work of Da Vinci serves as the catalyst. Da Vinci’s works are scrutinized and serve as the building block to get the ultimate truth – the Holy Grail. This is a great book and will give you another perspective of the reality of the world.

Pegan customs worship nature as they see organized religions as restrictive, regulated and confined. Organized religions are a power strugle, they are hierarchical and patriarchal and as such truth is not a possibility. Organized religions are deceptive and cruel. They indoctrinate illusions in the form of heaven and other types of utopia and teach passivity in their congregations. Organized religions are control systems meant to regulate and dictate behavior. They keep people passive and helpless in their suffering citing “It’s God will.” What if God himself turns out to be our most persistent lie? On the awesome book “Brave New World” by Huxley, Mustapha Mond states “People believe in God because they have been conditioned to.” That is the dilemma facing pegans. The problem with organized religions is that they take all the responsibility away from you, assigning it to a “high power” and as Nietzsche states “When an individual no longer feels like they are the collaborator, let alone the center of becoming, nihilism becomes a very real possibility.” Organized religion can take the spirit out of your body while you still breathing. For pagens, religion is not a viable option for a sustainable life. The movie “Silence” by Martin Scorsese discusses this at length. Two Christian missionaries enter Japan with the aim of spreading Christianity but they are unwelcomed by the upper echelon of Japan simply because Christianity is not compatible with Japan. The Japanese believe that Christianity is bad for its people. They practice Taoism and Buddhism. They are a pagen people, they worship the sun and nature. They fear Christianity will hinder the progression of their country and its people. The Christian God is challenged at length to help his people from death at the hands of the Japanese pagens but he responds in silence as believers of the Christian doctrine are killed mercilessly because they don’t want to abandon Christianity. Because of God’s silence, the Christian missionary is forced to abandon Christianity to save Christian lives. For if he can denounce Christianity in public and adopt Japanese customs and beliefs, the public will see how useless it is. “Silence” is a hard and challenging movie but a great movie nonetheless, it is Martin Scorsese at his absolute best.

Acclaimed comedian Dave Chappelle stated in one of his comedy specials that man’s biggest challenge in the world is woman and woman’s biggest challenge is material. He continued that man would happily engage in sexual intercourse with a woman in a box if he could, but it’s not possible, because the woman wants the man with a Porsche. When you understand this fact, you understand the power of feminine energy. You understand the construct of society, you understand Capitalism, you understand the power dynamics in the world, you understand the hunger and poverty in the world. Man unconsciously and consciously wants power over his fellow men so he can be the alfa-male. This is seen in the animal kingdom with animals like Gorilla’s fighting to be the head honcho. This is important because the alfa has first preference on the ladies, he can have as many as he wants with no opposition. The alfa can be the only Gorilla that mates and choose to leave no mating partners to his subordinates. He is the boss like that. This subject can be visited on the work of Charles Darwin with his theory of “Natural selection”. Man is fundamentally driven by power and by what Psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud called the “Libido” which is sex drive. Musician, SZA talks about this on hit song about the sacred feminine “Doves in the world” that men lose their minds for pussy, that they are irrational and they will do anything and everything to get pussy and this is true. The vagina has untold power over the man. To attain power man will do anything, including humiliating and exploiting his fellow man. This is the will of mother nature, the reasoning behind “survival of the fittest”, “struggle for life” and “elimination of the unfit” by Charles Darwin. Man is alienated from himself, Marx contends because of the division of society into classes, the ruling class oppressing and exploiting the ruled classes. Therefore, he said, a classless, socialist society would bring about the disappearance of alienation and all its manifestations. That looks good on paper but in a world dictated by feminine energy it’s not possible. We saw evidence of this with Hitler and Stalin. Socialism is like heaven, ungraspable, unattainable and unintelligible. For the world is pure madness, chaos, and pure and unadulterated hysteria. For twenty-five centuries, hysteria had been considered a strange disease with incoherent and incomprehensible symptoms. Most physicians believed it to be a disease proper to woman and originating in the uterus. Hysteria like nature, chaos and woman is art. It is challenging and difficult. It requires attention and focus. It requires one to be imagitive and bold. It is fulfilling for its a release like fluid ejaculation. Feminine energy tests us and we should response in kind with masculine energy. We should be forceful and aggressive in our battles with life. Feminine energy tests us so we can grow. It puts you in a corner so you can learn to maneuver around. Feminine energy is like your girlfriend hysterical, crazy and unpredictable but her love is unquestionable, tender like the bosoms on her chest. Feminine energy serves to grow life because there is no growth without pain and adversity. The sacred feminine tests all of life and those who show great strength progress. Unfortunately, hunger, exploitation, poverty and death are some of the ways that she tests us. You might say these are man constructions, however man is nature and a construction of the sacred feminine.

While Religion is good for regulating morality, pegans value freewill and a sense of destiny. They believe true power resides within, while the characteristic of a God (or spirit) is anthropomorphic, invisible, powerful and has special function that no ordinary human being could perform. Pegans believe they can perform anything in the confines of reality and life. They believe in the sacred feminine – they believe all is nature. This is reflected in Leonardo Da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man” and PHI (1.618) – the Devine proportion. The number PHI, 1.618 is considered the most beautiful number in the universe because it appears everywhere in nature and life. PHI was derived from the Fibonacci sequence – a progression famous not only because the sum of adjacent terms equalled the next term, but because the quotient of adjacent terms possessed the astonishing property of approaching the number 1.618 – PHI! 1.618 is the fundamental building block in nature. Plants, animals and even human beings all possess dimensional properties that adhere with eerie exactitude to the ratio of PHI to 1. In a honeybee community for instance, the female bees always outnumber the male bees. And if you divide the number of female bees to the males you will always get PHI 1.618. The sunflower seeds grow in opposing spirals. The ratio of each rotation’s diameter to the next is PHI 1.618. Da Vinci’s “Vitruvian Man” is PHI – 1.618. Da Vinci actually exhumed corpses to measure the exact proportions of human body structure. He was the first to show that the human body is literally made of building blocks whose proportional ratios always equal PHI. Measure the distance from the the tip of your head to the floor. Then divide that by the distance from your belly button to the floor – you get PHI 1.618. Measure the distance from your shoulder to your fingertips, and then divide it by the distance from your elbow to your fingertips – again PHI. Hip to floor divided by knee to floor – PHI again. You get PHI 1.618 on the pyramids of Egypt and even the United Nations Building in New York. PHI appeared in the organization structures of Mozart’s sonatas, Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, as well as the works of Bartok, Debussy and Schubert. The Devine Proportion exists in all nature, in all life. It is you. It is the signature of the Universe. It is the literal hand of God. The universe is feminine because it accommodates life and creation. And you are masculine because you have to engage with it. To be one with it. You are life. You are nature. You are the Devine Proportion. The only person you are accountable for is yourself. The sacred feminine has granted you life – impose yourself onto life, build, create, be the best that you can be – make the best of it you God!

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Infatuations

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Infatuations

I think an erection is the best compliment you can pay someone. For it communicates, you excite me, I love you, you drive me crazy! It cannot be hidden, it is phallic. The moment when psychology and physiology are perfectly aligned. It is too awesome. I liken an erection to an infatuation, they are similar in a lot of ways. Firstly, they are a product of the mind and they both need the mind to fill in the blank spaces. Infatuations are a strong desire for someone and well the same criteria is met for an erection. They are both passionate and mystical in the realm of the universe. An infatuation is love, it is a projection, and it is seductive. Popular culture as has attached a sinister connotation to the word seduction and it’s completely misleading. Seduction is arousal, seduction is sexy, seduction playful energy, seduction is stimulation for the mind, it is indirect and unguarded, it is filling in the blank lines, it is reading between the lines, it is subtle and it is for the imaginative. When you are infatuated with someone, all you do is think about that particular person. You make them bigger than they actually are. You project all your dreams and hopes onto that person. That person becomes the best thing that has ever happened to you. When you are infatuated, you become ultra-attentive to that person, you are focused, motivated to find out what makes her tick. The revelations you get are ground-breaking and you want to internalize them hoping that it will bring you closer to her spirit, her energy. You become trapped in a world where she is the elusive woman of perfection and that further seduces you making her a god-like figure. Detached from reality you fail to see the disappointing truth. Infatuations bring light to this dark world.

Human beings have this weird ritual they do when they are in love. They call it kissing and it is strange and so risky. What they do is to lean forward towards one another making their lips touch and often exchange saliva in the process. It is a form of embracing one another. What this ritual is about is acceptance. Meaning, I am letting you invade my space and be all up in my face because I accept you and trust you. It fosters closer relations. It is effective because it is consensual. It sparks neural circuitry in the mind thus inducing the feel good substance in the brain known as dopamine. This process makes human beings feel closer. It also excites the physiology of the participants. When the physiology of the two participates is excited and aroused, it often leads to coitus. Coitus or sexual intercourse is a release – the moment when your impulses take over and you lose control, this is trigged by the amygdala. However, sex has an interesting complex namely the human dilemma whereby we often separate life in two realms – mind and body. We see the two entities (mind and body) as separate and we desperately want to see them as one. Sex without empathy negates the personality (mind) and objectifies the body. Lovemaking is, at its best an act of mutual empathy, at its worst it lacks any such emotional mutuality. Sex without empathy is not sexy, it is not seductive, it becomes mechanical and an outlet vent out your frustrations of the world – and it shouldn’t be because it is a mutual undertaking. One of the things I love about infatuations is that you want to please the partner you are infatuated by and as such you will pull off all the stops to make the activity worthwhile.

Sex can be a complicated endeavor to enter into. Namely because you want the activity to be enjoyable for the parties involved. Most of the time, you can write off the activity as a success if both parties reached orgasms. It is a tricky thing for men to impart to their female counterparts. For men, penetration into the vagina will most of the time do. However, penetration for women is often not enough. This is because of their neural circuitry. By trait women and men are different. This is noted in the ways boys and girls play when they are young. Boys are threatened by anything that might challenge their independence so they play in big numbers and their insistent is on competition. While girls by contrast are more threatened by a rupture in their relationships so they play in small groups with their insistence on quality and thoroughness. As such, women often need special attention to reach orgasm. Sigmund Freud once stated that penetration was enough to give a woman an orgasm but that’s such a manly answer isn’t it? I mean it works for us, surely it will work for them. Sometimes, it happens but it is not the most effective way to do it. To give a woman an orgasm, you need imagination – to play in the realm of the mind. After a long seduction process in which gratification was delayed and the mind was stimulated sure, an orgasm through penetration is likely but still not a 100 percent. Cunnilingus is the best way to do it. I will explain.

From a young age, girls are exposed to their own mortality. This happens when stages like menopause begin. It is a scary and confusing dilemma for a young girl, some are embarrassed. However, something happens subconsciously looking at their own mortality they draw-in into themselves, they train themselves to look at the world with a naked eye, they become more emotionally attuned, they can distinguish what’s right from wrong, they become grounded and they plan better – they become conscious, while by contrast boys are playing Grand Theft Auto and not taking anything seriously. It is the fundamental difference between boys and girls. Cunnilingus like the act of kissing is acceptance but acceptance multiplied to a hundred. When she allows you to go down on her, it communicates trust with her body. She’s vulnerable, naked and completely at your mercy. She’s trusting you with her insecurities. You have a complete grip over her mind. Cunnilingus is mind magic, it is mind witchcraft, it is a spell for the mind – a trance, it’s unwritten, it’s abstract, it’s seductive, it’s metaphysical and out of this world! When you are engaged in Cunnilingus, there’s attention, there’s focus and the will to do it right. Cunnilingus serves underlying desires and fantasies. Cunnilingus will give her an orgasm every time.

The danger about infatuations is real life but then again erections become flaccid – nothing lasts forever. The positive news is that we could refresh, a second erection is a real possibility. Infatuations give us a platform to build something substantial. They are passionate, impulsive, subjective, chaotic and beautiful. For if we can move from the initial infatuation stage to compassion and understanding we will have a concreate relationship and we will have a chance to recreate that infatuation stage since it is a product of the mind. We can create an infatuation loop that will be eternal. By withholding sex and keeping our clothes on whilst remaining affectionate with another, touching, kissing and “dry-humping”. Another thing we could is send nude pictures to one another not too explicit though we have to leave much to the imagination of the brain so it could fill in the blank spaces like a crossword puzzle. Maybe instead of penetration, Fellatio, that will leave every man in the face of this earth grateful! Maybe I wanted you for your body at first but you can show me a different dimension, a different perspective, a different angle that will enable my mind to lust over – to obsess and think about when I am alone. We could drive each other crazy all over again. We could be reborn and transformed. Infatuations are the most beautiful things in the world because they point out something about you – something transformative! In this age of romanticism that should be the first thing that is ticked off from your box. Infatuations are a spark, that juice, that light that has the ability to illuminate your world. An infatuation is love at a very basic level – that’s when you know you are in love when you are infatuated with someone. Reciprocation is a different thing, to love someone who loves you back is rare but luckily we have seduction! Anyone and everyone is immune to seduction with time. Concentrate your efforts to the one you are infatuated by!

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Lord Jesus Christ

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Lord Jesus Christ

Lord Jesus Christ is one of the few people in history who had a consciousness that calibrated at 1000 energy level. He was an enlightened man. He preached the word of love and peace. Even when death stared him right in his face, he embraced it and mastered the art of dying. On the cross, when he was tortured and beaten ceaselessly he prayed for the forgiveness of man – he prayed for mankind. He didn’t feel sorry for himself. He didn’t ask God why me. He didn’t ask for God to save him, he never asked God to show himself. He was accepting of his fate. I think that’s remarkable. He had reason. He had willingness. He was wise. Socrates another enlightened individual who was killed for supposedly corrupting the youth of Greece shared the personality traits of Jesus Christ. When he was trialed, he refused to defend himself. He just let things be. He had a willingness about his fate. He was accepting. He had reason and he perfected the art of dying. He was at peace with everything. He was happy and ready to die. He had done everything he could do for humanity. He shared his wisdom. He made people aware and self-critical of themselves. He got people thinking and talking about their ideas. He knighted Plato and Aristotle with his wisdom and knowledge and still had the presence of mind to state that the wise man is the man who admits that he does not know anything. Incredible insight! He also preached love and peace for humanity. It seems as though humanity has a problem with enlightened figures.

Life is energy. Life is information. It seems as though Jesus Christ and Socrates had the right frequency. They were one with life. They were grounded in the reality of life. Psychoanalyst Carl Jung stated that the “psyche” which means spirit or soul comprises of the consciousness, personal unconsciousness and collective unconsciousness. Collective unconsciousness is the spirit of everything in life, it is the pulse of life, it is the culture and period we are born in to, it is the different ecosystems of the world, it is our collective consciousness as life that is hidden but dictates everything that we do unconsciously every minute and moment of life. Figures like Jesus Christ and Socrates understood this fundamental aspect of the reality of life and that enabled them to have courage. Through courage, they learned to stay neutral and open, seeing and experiencing life with new eyes every day. Now that they had courage and neutrality they had the confidence of partaking in life, they had the willingness to live and share their experiences with life. They grew to understand and accept being with all of its conditions and structures. Through acceptance they learned how to reason. Through reason they discovered the most fundamental aspect of life – namely love, for love nourishes the soul of the universe. Love has a positive frequency that exuberates when emitted. Love unites. Love is the one single force that has the power to change the world. They understood that only love brings true joy and fulfillment in life. Through love and joy, you can find peace. Peace is a beautiful phase to reach because it entails that you are one with the pulse of life. Peace entails freedom. At the conscious level of peace, death is not repressed but rather in the open. You are aware that it might happen any day and you are content with it. Peace is an encounter with pure and unadulterated happiness. And through peace, you find enlightenment. The world follows people like Lord Jesus Christ, Socrates and Lord Buddha among others because of their status of being enlightened – and it’s useful because they make us better individuals, they bring us solace, they lift the burden of existence from our shoulders. Their lives are dedicated to the salvation of all humanity.

Existence is a burden. Existence is a challenge. Life consists of suffering, boredom and death. This is a fact, it is a fate we all share. Depression and nihilism are and have always been the epidemics of the world. We see this in the 20th century, where people like Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin and Mao ran totalitarian regimes. It was bad. We came close to extinction. People were killed for entertainment, for fun, to generate statistics. Joseph Stalin, once stated “one death is a tragedy, but a million deaths a statistic.” These were men with no moral compasses. They tortured human beings for experiments. They tortured human beings for their amusement. They were men overly intoxicated with power. They were egotistical and narcissistic men. They were men with deep underlying insecurities. The world was run by Pride and pride calibrates at a conscious energy level of 175. Pride is dangerous. Pride is critical. Pride is blind. Pride is Shame. Pride is guilt. Pride is confusion. Pride is fear. Pride is hatred. Pride is hopelessness. Pride is falsehood. The lack of a campus resorts in a man operating in the lower levels of consciousness. Life starts when you operate at a conscious energy level of 200. The level of 200 is courage. Below the conscious energy level of 200, is all things run by the amygdala, it is survival and fear driven. War generated this atmosphere of dog eat dog world – a world where nobody was save.

It seems as though Christianity is a good idea. Lord Jesus Christ dedicated his life for the betterment of humankind. He was an enlightened man and his ideas calibrated at 1000. Christianity managed to do the impossible. It proclaimed that every man is equal regardless of status positioning, wealth, gender and race. It gave women rights in a world where they had none. Somehow, it managed to level us all. It preached the importance of love and the idea of sharing. The concept of sharing is a very sophisticated idea for it teaches one about the delay of gratification. The idea that if I had two pieces of steaks and only needed one, I can give one steak to my neighbor with the realization that one day in the future my neighbor might give me a piece of steak when I had none. It is a concept that teaches you how to negotiate with time. Through the crucifixion of Christ, it taught us that life is suffering, it taught us about love and gave us the assurance that everything will be alright. It taught us peace and taught us how to embrace life and death. It even created a Utopia, a heaven to help us with the process of dying and to give solace. Christianity taught us how bring our hopes and dreams into the world by means of praying. Praying is another sophisticated concept where you concentrate all your forces and energy into something in hopes of bring it to life. Energy is involved in the process of praying so it brings it out into the universe, into life, the world. Because you prayed for it, it exists in the world – all you need to do is to put some more energy into it and it will reflect on to the world. Praying is the law of causality – isn’t it a beautiful concept? Christianity and the ideas of Lord Jesus Christ should be practiced for the improvement and perfection of one’s soul. Christianity is an extremely subjective practice. Its insistence is on the spirit of the individual. If a few individuals are regulated and fulfilled, it generates a ripple effect by virtue of association making everybody happy and fulfilled. A positive wave length is contagious!

There is a story in the bible about brothers Able and Cain. They are the children of Adam & Eve. The first humans ever. Adam and Eve were created by God whereas Able and Cain are the byproducts of Adam and Eve. It tells the story about how God was happy about one brother’s (Able) contribution and unhappy about another’s (Cain). Cain does everything to impress God but he does it in vain as he is met with Gods disapproval. Whereas his brother Able impresses him with ease, without much effort. This makes Cain grow resentful and angry towards his brother Able. Worse, is that Able is genuinely a good person, everyone likes him and women always want to be around him. Cain cannot find fault with him, his authentic and perfect and that makes him grow even more resentful and angry towards his brother. His resentment and anger leads him to Satan and he is drawn to Hell. Cain overpowered by emotions of envy, jealously and anger decides to kill Able. He does it to spite God, to spite the world by killing everything he wants to be. How did things become so rife? Everyone has a contract with God and you fulfill your contract by being you, by doing the things that come natural to you, by being authentically individualistic. By being yourself, you honor God and it pleases him, he becomes happy about your contributions. Cain was so envious of his brother that he didn’t honor his contract with God. He was not an individual. He lacked a self-campus. He wanted to be like his brother and that displeased God because he didn’t create a replica of Able. God also wanted Cain to be himself, to self-actualize, to impose himself on the world and show his true character and virtues. God wanted Cain to honor him by becoming himself. However, Cain’s heart was tainted and impure. Once he started having resentful thoughts about his brother, they took a life of its own. By continuously having these thoughts, he fed the beast until it lead him to a point of no return, Satan – Hell. Satan is not a red beast with horns on his forehead just like how Hell is not a place filled with fires and demons. Hell is a state of mind and you get there by feeding negative emotions. Negative emotions are not conducive to life. They are destructive and inhospitable. One must always aspire to go to Heaven. Heaven is a fertile place for growth. Love lives in heaven and there’s progression and growth. Heaven is stimulating and conducive. Heaven is the state of mind we should all strive to be in.

The two brothers were in two completely separate wavelengths. They were in two different worlds. One brother was in Heaven while the other was in Hell. One brother was with God while the other was with Satan. It is a useful story because it educates us about envy and self-actualization. Envy calibrates lower than 200 energy level. It is primitive and destructive. Envy is vain and self-sustaining, it feeds off other negative emotions and energy levels. Envy is unintelligible and insecure. Envy is prideful and hopelessness. Self-actualization on the other hand is above the conscious energy level of 200. Self-actualization is courage. Self-actualization is learning. Self-actualization is willingness. Self-actualization is reason. Self-actualization is freedom – the ability to embrace God and thank him for the gifts that he has bestowed upon you. Self-actualization is enlightenment, the process of knowing your purpose in life and fulfilling it. Self-actualization is the most beautiful thing God has given to us. We should strive to become who we could be and negate the external factors of the world. We should be truthful to ourselves at all times. That’s how we give praise to God. That’s how we show him that we are grateful for the gift of life. That’s where Christianity comes in, God has given us his son Jesus Christ to teach us about the virtues of life. He gave us Jesus Christ to enlighten us, to make us pure, to give us hope, and to complete that void in our hearts. I am not talking about organized religion, organized religion has made a mockery of the Christian doctrine, it has polluted and stained its ideas, it is the reason for the nihilism and depression in our world, it is the reason we are devoid of goals! I am talking about subjective Christianity, Christianity for your spirit and soul as an individual, for yourself. I am talking about Christianity as an ideal we should strive for!

Energy Level Calibrations:
Energy Level: 20 Shame
Energy Level: 30 Guilt
Energy Level: 50 Apathy
Energy Level: 75 Grief
Energy Level: 100 Fear
Energy Level: 125 Desire
Energy Level: 150 Anger
Energy Level: 175 Pride
Energy Level: 200 Courage
Energy Level: 250 Courage
Energy Level: 310 Willingness
Energy Level: 350 Acceptance
Energy Level: 400 Reason
Energy Level: 500 Love
Energy Level: 540 Joy
Energy Level: 600 Peace
Energy Level: 700 – 1000 Enlightenment

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Lucifer

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Lucifer

I had a bad dream. It was horrible. I dreamt I burnt a school to the ground. Worse, the students, teachers and I included were in the premises. What was the motivation? I don’t know. Why did I do it? I don’t know. The fire was an inferno that burned everyone to their bones. I can still hear the cries of anguish. The cries of torment and hell. The school was locked and razor fences surrounded the perimeter. It was hard to escape, nearly impossible. Everyone was cooped in the boiling pot until it turned to aches. The fire, it was everywhere. I couldn’t breathe and my vision was blurry and tainted. It was a movie in the theatre of my mind. I managed to escape. It the midst of all that chaos, I located a spot that was devoid of razor fencing; instead stood a wall so I climbed over it and made it to another person’s property – following me was a blind person, his life was spared to. Now in a different demarcation we ran towards the gate to escape the chaos. Till we were stopped by a muscular colored guy. He pointed a rifle gun to my head and stated that I was not going anywhere. He told me that he knew that I was the one who had started the fire and let go the blind guy. I was perplexed. How did he know? He said he knew it from his soul. I looked over at the school from the muscular colored’s premises and everyone and everything was burned to a crisp. No survivors. It was like a battlefield that was bombarded with nuclear – it was quiet with no sign of life. The place was dead and unresponsive. It was horrible. I had burned down a place of education, a place of growth and sustainability. I had burned down a place of hope. I burned down knowledge, culture and heritage. I murdered my friends. I murdered my teachers. I robbed people of their potential, their lives. I altered the future for a lot of families. I don’t know why I burned the school. I remember having petrol and matches and I set the school alight. Even in my dreams, I knew the screams of the people who were burning would haunt me forever. That I would have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and it would change my life forever, that it would hinder me from appreciating all of life. I feared that this incident would scar my mind. Dying would be better. I begged the big colored guy to end my life. However, he didn’t. He just kept the gun on my face and held me hostage. I thought that maybe I should force his hand and try to run; that he would shoot me from behind and end my life, but I was scared of death. So I just stood there with the gun on my face on the one hand and the carnage and destruction on the other. I felt trapped and I woke up.

Why did I do it? Am I bad person? Am I an evil person? What is the difference between bad and evil? Bad is an adjective that describes your nature as a human being. It is straightforward, it is a fact, it is objective, it is the stripes on the zebra, the sun in the sky and the fish in the ocean. While evil has to do with acts of ethics and morality. Evil is premeditated behavior and actions, it is hiding evidence, lying to preserve your way, cheating and murder. A sequence of evil acts make you a bad person. If lying and murder becomes habit, you are a bad person. Evil can be undone with a sequence of good deeds and targeted incentives. Bad is set in stone, it is difficult to redeem if not impossible, it is hopeless with no will of life. It is with this definition that I try to analyze who I am. Surely, an evil act of this magnitude makes me a bad irredeemable person. Bad and rotten to the core. I senselessly murdered thousands in an academic institution – a place of education and self-betterment. I ruined the future of many families. I am just like Josef Stalin who starved his people until death. A narcissistic, egotistical maniac who killed millions in the Soviet Union to conserve his way. Was Lucifer bad or evil? Lucifer was an angel of God, who sang mightily beautiful and he/she committed a big evil act. Lucifer had been good in the past, what if he/she was redeemable. Did God give up on Lucifer? Maybe, I am Lucifer – In my dream I committed a horrendous act of evil, an act that is unforgivable. Am I unworthy of God’s love?

It seems as though if you don’t know who you are, the world and even God is happy to categorize you in box. I think the notion that we are all born sinners is the right one. Simply because inside each and every one of us lurks evil. And if the evil is disproportional to the norms and confines society has constructed you run the risk of being barred. It happened to Lucifer. You have a Lucifer in your soul. It is in this vein that we must approach life intelligently and try to avoid chaos. While chaos is all that defines the structure of existence we must try to instill a bit of order in ourselves. Assume the person you are talking to knows something that you don’t. Listen and don’t make judgements. Approach everyone with respect. Don’t offend the wrong person. Not because you are scared but because you want an orderly life. Insecure fools and idiots roam the streets, motivated by Lucifer in their souls they aim to insight evil. They want to immerse you in petty squabbles. Repressed and unconscious they want to project their powers onto you. The best way to solve such things is to shun them off. Not because you can’t stand up for yourself but because you won’t react. Reacting puts you at a disadvantage because you run the risk of running into a trap that was specially designed for you. You will get them at your own terms, playing by your rules. We are mortal and fragile. A shot to the head might end it all. A knife in the heart might end it all. As people we are all evil, some more evil and others just bad. Consciousness has given us the powers of sympathy and empathy meaning we know how to hurt a fellow human being because we can be hurt too. I struggle with understanding morality, the subject of good and evil because fundamentally I am guilty. Hence, my answer is the life of order. The life of the hero, fundamentally correct because he tries to restore order.

I find the symbolism of the blind guy in my dream who escaped the inferno amazing. The mind is so intelligent. The dream was about my struggle for good and evil and besides me was a blind who was on a journey with me, who abstractly “saw” everything and yet he left undeterred, unharmed, saved. While I was tormented by screams and cries of people burning to their bones. I think the message was clear, “Ignorance is bliss” and it works particularly well in the subject of good, bad and evil. We see this every time on court cases where the defense asks for an insanity plea and it gets granted for a murder committed in cold blood. We see sleep-walking patients butchering their families and walking free in court. Does it mean that idiots, mentally challenged patients and people devoid of sensory abilities are devoid and exempted from morality? Is being ignorant the key to happiness in the world? Is being crazy the key to fulfillment? Is being an idiot, a complete fool the key to bypassing the issues that plague humanity?

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ADULTERY

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ADULTERY

I love my husband. He is everything I want and need. He brings so much meaning to my life. We have two wonderful children that I adore. They are my life. By normal standards, I have everything money, safety, security, two perfect children and a loving husband. I should be happy and fulfilled. I have a great career doing something that stimulates my mind, something that I love. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. As of late, my energy is low and I have a problem motivating myself. My life has become bland and insipid. Everything in my life is ritualistic and passive. As a young girl, I thought marriage would give me a happily ever after. Not that I don’t love my husband because I do, he is so perfect and he treats me so well. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him. Still, the question remains. Is this it? Is this my life now? Everything has become chore. The spontaneous life has receded to the past. We don’t have sex that often and when we do I fake orgasms. I wonder if he notices. I doubt it, I’ve been faking for so long that it has become impossible to detect. I have become an expert liar, the moaning’s are now automatic. Not that it’s a bad thing, I have to do it, it reassures him of a good job. To be fair, he sometimes does a great job but it’s in the minority. I remember a time when we used to have sex every day. A time when he drove me crazy. A time when he used to make me come multiple times in a session. A time when we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. A time when pleasing him was top of the agenda. A time of imagination, oral examinations and forbidden sex positions. A time of clarity and excitement. When everything made sense. When my life was easy to love and loving myself was easier.

I understand that we have been married for 10 years now and the romantic phase has to die down. That we need to be responsible and competent adults. But it’s not about the sex. It’s not even about my relationship. On the contrary, my relationship with my husband is perfect. We have an understanding and we are both happy with one another. It’s something else. A void. I feel like I am living a lie. I feel like a robot, passively getting work done. At times I am emotionless. I don’t get pleasure out of life anymore. I feel overwhelmed by life. I am confused and it makes me sad. What do you give a woman who has everything? Am I ungrateful? No. However I am close to apathy. My low levels of energy are making it hard for me to participate in life. It’s like my body is in comatose, completely paralyzed by the sadness in my soul. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe depression is a real condition. It wasn’t something I took seriously but how do I explain the apathy I feel? Do I even want to participate in this mindless, passive, repetitive mode we call life? Unfortunately, I have to. For my husband, my children, my family so we can navigate the world successfully. So I will just have to power through and be supermom, do it with great zeal and enthusiasm, with a smile, no one can know how I feel. I imagine it would be hard for my husband and I don’t want to trouble him. I don’t want him to think that his not doing enough because he is. I don’t want him to blame himself for my lack of happiness. Besides, depression is not a real condition. We all have bad days. Maybe, it’s a phase, I’ve just recently turned 30 and the second phase of my life is in commencement. Perhaps, I am in mourning for younger self. I don’t know. I just feel empty and dead inside. Despite the passing time and the orbiting of the planet my life is fixed and stagnant at one point.

I met Steven at his suite for an interview for the newspaper. We used to date when we were in High School, 16 and in love nothing could come between us. He was my first love, the person who made me conscious of this abstract thing call love. He is now a respected member of the socialist party. He is powerful. I can’t wait to meet with him. The newspaper sent me over to cover the story of his alleged infidelity, the story is making rounds in the country and we want to cover his side. It was hard getting him to commit to the story, we had to promise heaven. The chance to put things straight was too good for him to pass up on, we had to appeal to his ego and narcissistic side. The rumours were rouge and good PR was needed to spin the story, at least that’s what his advisors would have advised him. 14:00 struck and I went to his suite to meet up with him. He had grown up and had traces of someone I used to know. Was he the dashing young boy I fell in love with? Of course he was a man now and his attributes screamed that. He was well defined, groomed, trimmed and slim. He looked so good in a suit. He didn’t look at all like the boy who used to fondle with my breasts. We exchanged pleasantries and sat down. We engaged in small talk and were nostalgic about the past before we could get down to business. Our meeting was upbeat and energetic. I felt like I was in the moment. It was as if the world were moving again. We came around to the infidelity and he responded that the news were all false. He told me that it was just a political campaign meant to tarnish his name with the elections around the corner. He knew the alleged woman but not enough to be a lover or even a friend. They just met at two separate public functions and enjoyed each other’s company. He explained that he had no contact with her whatsoever. With that omission, the interview was over and we decided to talk off the record as friends. He asked me if I was happy. Reluctant, I replied yes. I could see it in his eyes that he wasn’t content with my response but he didn’t want to impose himself. He told me that he was not happy. That the pressures of life are getting to him. His work and the need to be exemplary is exhausting. The political games. His life splashed on the newspapers and prime time bulletins like it was entertainment and the constant pressure from his wife who seems to like the benefits that come from being the wife of a highly esteemed and powerful man. To be fair, who wouldn’t? The money, the designer clothes, the parties, the fame, the respect. Who would want to give that away? And for what? Because you’re depressed? That is not a real condition. People are dying in Africa. He told me that he feels trapped in his life that he feels like a slave. That he has lost his passion and most of the time he is just on auto-pilot. There was a silence on the table for a while and then he continued. He said that he recognizes that same sadness in my eyes to which I didn’t respond. I told him that it was a great meeting and that we should meet up again. He agreed. I stood up and he showed me to the door. Just when I was about to go out, I had the sudden urge to kiss him. I kissed him and he seemed to go with it. He passionately pushed my body towards him and held me tightly as he closed the door. We continued kissing and it was so hot and steamy. It was intense and I was so horny. I displaced my lips on his and kissed him on the neck while I took his shirt off. I continued with the kissing process and made my way to the torso. I kneeled down and took off his pants and started giving his oral pleasure. He held my head and controlled the motion of the strokes. The movements started of slow and gradual and then sped up with intensity. He was groaning and I could tell that he was about to climax and I let him come in my mouth – it was intoxicating!

Steven makes me feel like I can fly. He makes me feel like I am free. I have found a new lease of life. Yesterday was exciting. The thrill, the adrenaline rush of being caught out. The irony of the interview we set up. He understands me and how I am feeling. I wonder if he talks to his wife about his concerns and his feelings. I can’t believe I gave him a blow job. On the first day? It was like I was possessed by a love demon who took a hold of my body. When he caressed my breasts something in my head exploded and I was no longer in control. I was listening to a song by Amy Winehouse called Love Is Blind and it dominates how I feel because I relate. In the song Amy is unapologetic about his infidelity. She is ironic and condescending. Her arrogance is admirable. Her justifications are laughable. She’s not really explaining herself to anyone. She is at peace with all the repercussions. On the famous song she states “You are my everything, he means nothing to me. I was thinking about you when I came.” I love the song but don’t agree with the tone of the song. I care for the repercussions. I love my husband, I love my children and I don’t want to lose our family. However, I was thinking about my husband when Steven came in my mouth. The experience helped and I came home later that day rejuvenated. My husband and I made love and I moaned with pure pleasure. He sent me to the moon. Maybe my interaction with him is good for my marriage. I want to see where this will end. He called me today and we agreed to see each other next week at a different hotel. I feel good about it.

We met at the designated hotel. He was so cold and distant. What had sparked his indifferent mood today? Was the world out for his head again? The hypocrisy of hotel rooms. On my way to the room I was in incognito, I had my shades and scarf on despite the fact that it was 36 degrees. Surely, that constitutes as suspicious behaviour. I didn’t think things through, I was too locked up in my own world that I failed to look at things on an objective criteria. The woman in the elevator besides me at 13:00 pm is surely like me. Why conceal myself? Why hide what I came to do in room 424 of this hotel room when everybody knows. The staff surely know, the concierge, the receptionist, I am just another number. We all have the same problems but act like ours is different. While in the room with Steven I think about how amateurish I must have been and vow to do better next time. It didn’t take long for me and Steven to get intimate. He had an aggressive demeanour this time and he went on the offense. He pressed me up against the wall and started kissing me passionately. He started with my neck and then proceeded to the lips while he took off my shirt and bra. Now half naked, I took off my skirt while he also undressed. He carried me to the bed and started kissing and sucking my breasts. It was slow gradual kissing until he made it to my torso. At this time I was overcome with pleasure and I wanted him to go down on me. He took off my panties and turned me around. I was on all fours. I had the stature of a dog, a bitch. In that position, he penetrated me from behind not in my vagina but anus. It was painful and yet pleasurable. It was like walking on hot coal, it burns the flesh but the adrenalin rush is at its peak and telling you to go on. The moans and groans where real emanating from a real place – pain but I didn’t want him to stop. And so he kept pounding and pounding. To keep myself from screaming I put a pillow on my face and then it was done. He signalled that he was coming and I let him come on my breasts. Afterwards, we just laid on the bed for a while. We didn’t engage in a dialogue, the room was quiet. He got up from the bed and started putting on his clothes back. He then made a contribution on how to remove the odour. The advice was that I take a shower first thing when I got home. He also talked about the stains that will undoubtedly make their appearance on my underwear. He seemed like a professional. Did he do this on a regular basis? Am I one of his targets, his victims? I was thoughtful. What happened here wasn’t love. He humiliated me. He objectified me. He violated me and left me with no dignity. I was his slave and he did what he wanted with me. In my mind, I told myself that I wasn’t going to see him again. That it was over. Until, he said “this was fun. We should do this again.” I replied, “yes it was fun and most definitely we should.” I wasn’t lying, I would like to see him again and yes it was fun. It was my first anal experience and of course it was difficult but it was new and fresh. In that moment, I was alive and engaged in the process. Pain notified me that I was present and it felt good. It will be even better next time.

I am in a better mood these days. I wonder if my husband and children have noticed. I wonder if I am exhibiting strange behaviour. I feel like I am on top of the world. I feel in control. I see more colour in my life. Not that I am condoning my adultery but my sex life with my husband is better. Our love-making sessions are reunions that are breath-taking. They are unbelievable. I don’t have to fake orgasms because they are real now. I now have an appetite for sex and so it’s frequent. Before we would have sex twice in a month if we were lucky. Nowadays twice is the minimum requirement for the week. I am sure my husband is suspicious but he doesn’t say anything so it’s fine. Orgasms are a beautiful thing. It’s like an explosive in your body. An explosion of pleasure. Those few seconds are the most meaningful of life. Orgasms bring dimensions and edge to life. Orgasms give meaning to life. I sometimes think of Steven when I have an orgasm with my husband. It’s that Amy Winehouse curse, I am also starting to be unapologetic about my infidelity. It makes the lives of the people all around me better and most importantly I am happy. It has been a month since I have met up with Steven. I know I have to end things with him, he has become an addiction. What we have can’t be right for the immediate people in our lives. What we have is destined to fail. The problem is that I think I love him. I can’t stop thinking about him. He is all I think about. I am conflicted, torn in between. I have this fantasy that I want to explore with him. I plan to tie him up on the bed, get naked and sit on his face until he gives me multiple orgasms. I want to make him my bitch. I want to make him submit. I want to dominate him. My efforts thus far have been insufficient and my plan is in vain. I am meeting him on Thursday at his office and I don’t think that will be possible. This will be the last time I see him, he doesn’t know but I do. I love my family and I can’t carry on risking the life I worked so hard to build.

He told me to get dressed and that his secretary would be here soon. He was pensive and moved with great urgency. I lay naked on the couch and didn’t take him too seriously. What makes our affair great is the danger, the sense that it is forbidden and could damage a lot of lives. That is the pulse that kept everything moving. The chance to live life dangerously. It was seductive. It had a lure that both of us couldn’t resist. The fact that I am laying on his couch naked with his secretary on the way to the office, doesn’t move me, it doesn’t scare me. I am accustomed to the danger. Besides there are locks for unrequired entry and these locks seem to work just properly. We just had another session of mind blowing animal sex. We had a time constraint this time so we had to be efficient. Because I was adamant that this would be my last time doing this, I had to lead procedures. On the last run, I wanted to be ravished and pleasured to the maximum. I got in his office and sat on the chair. We engaged in pointless dialogue until his secretary went out. He stood up and went to the door to lock it. By the time he locked the door, I was already half-naked. My top was off indicating, “Let’s go!” He rushed to me and pressed his body onto mine and started kissing me. He kissed my lips, neck and made it to my breasts to which he caressed and fondled with them. He started kissing and sucking on my nipples, flicking them in a move that drove me absolutely wild. Sensing I would lose control. I interrupted him and created space in between us. I took off my skirt and panties and opened my legs. An invitation he took with both hands. He went down on me. It was the best cunnilingus I have ever had. With the tip of his tongue he stimulated my clitoris. Like a painter, the great Leonardo Da Vinci he moved his tongue left, right, and left, right in a gradual and clockwise manner and then it was rigorous and fast paced it left my mind in tatters. It was pulsating. He was concise, so engaged and he made me come. His tongue was like the tongue of the serpent. I was paralyzed by the pleasure. I indicated that I want him to come into me. While I masturbated, he took off his pants and underwear and in missionary position he started penetrating me. Sensing that he would come soon, I switched positions and went on all fours. He continued with the penetrating while I was groaning and moaning without a care in the world. At that moment I was free and liberated. I resided in the stars. I resided in forever. I was on the moon and it was pure pleasure. He signalled that he wanted to come. So I told him to wait for a bit. I adjusted myself and kneed down to give him a blow job. He moaned and groaned with his hands on my head controlling the motion. He told me he couldn’t hold it anymore and that his coming. I didn’t want him to come in my mouth so I stopped the activity. He came on my face. It was beautiful. It signalled the climax of our union. Of course he didn’t know that. It never occurred to him that it would be the last time seeing me naked.

Tell the truth or at least don’t lie

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Tell the truth or at least don’t lie!

We are not linear creatures and our behaviors constantly change depending on the people we meet. We create personas and present them as masks so we can be well perceived and liked. Basically we are all actors and we need to play our roles because if we don’t isolation is a big possibility and that’s not good because we need others to navigate reality. We are social creatures and this is a evolutionary trait. We also tell these “white lies” everyday like “How you doing?”, “I am good thanks”. We can’t say “Horrible, I hate my life and I want to die” because we learned that, that response will isolate us from people. We want to be well-liked. This is a big psychological urge hence the success of social media. Abraham Maslow explores this on his pyramid of needs.

Deception is everywhere in nature, predators hide in the long grass to get to their preys and infants learn to fake a cry to get the attention of their caregivers. Deception is an inherent part of nature. Everyone is a liar, there is no exception to this.

Still, I say if you are conscious about it. Tell the truth or at least don’t lie. Consciously lying is bad, it’s a sin and it leads to hell. Plus, every human being can unconsciously detect bullshit. We can feel it, no proof is required. If you are caught in your lie, it reduces respect and things will never be the same again. This is because trust is a very delicate thing. Trust is like a paper, once crumbled the creases will always be there. It also decreases your worth and tanishes your image, no one wants to be with someone they don’t trust. That leads to paranoia and a life of hell.

Always tell the truth or at least don’t lie. Be a person of integrity and good values. This creates order and you won’t have to remember your lies. This is attract genuine people to you and you’ll be happier.

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Don’t wait up…

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Don’t wait up!

I told her straight up “don’t wait up!” I was serious as a heart attack. If something better came along she was free to board along and experience the voyage like a cruise because the cost of not doing so was Titanic! Not that I don’t hold myself in high-esteem but I was being practical. Unlike an IPO, I had nothing to offer in a monetary sense. Like a shattered mirror I was irrevocably broke. But I did love her but what’s love got to do with it if you can’t provide? Without money, what are you? Surely, not a man because a man needs money to exist and navigate reality. Money represents power and I had none like a weakling. Devoid of muscle, how can I carry my lady like the queen she is all over the world? Better men exist in the world, men who can grant her whatever her heart desires. Men who can love her without insecurities. Men who can touch, stroke and caress her like the keys of a piano. Men who can satisfy her sexual urges, kiss her, make her moan a 8pmnd groan like the horns in a Jazz festival. I am the shadow of that man and hence my appearance at the rear. Jealously is not practical and conducive for a flourishing life. Not that I have never been jealous before, I have. I remember the distinct feeling of wanting to possess my love object like a demon, ironically I was the one possessed. Needless to say she saw right through me and chose to hike to a better life. Life requires flexibility and the presence of mind to hop onto a moving train en route to your destination. Stagnation leads to decay. Life is a continual process of evolution and hence, she will find better, it’s mothernature’s will. I don’t say this to drive her away or to instigate mind games, I do this because my love for her is as white as snow. I would hate to be a burden. I wouldn’t want to hinder her progress towards becoming. The worst thing that could happen to me is that she stays with me because she is obligated and contracted like a marriage. Love is simply electrical signals and chemicals processed by the brain and body, it is not enough to sustain all of life. Me and her are not enough, moreso that I am stripped of financial resources. I think all the time about how I wish things were better. I see myself as an archetype of a great man. However, greatness takes time. It would be unfair of me to ask her to stay along even though I know things are going to be better. With time we will have everything, including the capital to purchase Satan’s soul. But how do I make that vow to her in a subjective reality? Am I even in a position to make that vow? What makes me so confident to believe I can win a rigged game? I don’t know, it’s just something I feel. Something I want to believe with my whole being. I realize how laughable my sentiments are that’s why I propose “don’t wait up!” If something better comes along, don’t hesitate, make the climb to the rest of your life. Make memories, start a family and create a life. I will never hold that against you. I have been chasing dreams for years and now finally I realize that they were illusions, hallucinations only prevalent in my own inner theater. Everything is an illusion and our minds hallucinates reality, and as such to share what’s in my inner theater would be to delude you because it’s not in the objective. I told her don’t wait up to encourage her to chase what is objective and prevalent in reality. Everything else is just fairy dust, wishful thinking and maybe that’s my claim to fame. Maybe I am guilty of this. There is no evidence that I will make it. Such is the certainty of life; the fact that nothing is certain. Instead of victory, I have a vault of business entities that didn’t make it. Promises that has been extinguished. She deserves better than promises. She deserves better than my “feelings of greatness” and even though she loves me, just don’t wait up. A

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9 inche pecker

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9 inche pecker

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
Average ain’t enough.
I need an extra inche or 2.

It ain’t good for my ego.
She fits the whole thing in her mouth,
balls included,
still it doesn’t clog her throat.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
her hands are too large,
the contrast is embarrassing,
I need at least 25 cm.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
or at least an 8 and a half.

Average ain’t enough,
It doesn’t inspire any confidence.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
some men have 10,
How’s that fair?

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
To be the talk of the town,
a girls fantasy,
a recurring nightmare.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
I can tell she’s faking,
some days she doesn’t moan
or groan.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
she has cute names for my member,
it doesn’t inspire fear,
has no respect whatsoever,
my stress levels are so high
I have problems getting it up.

I could do with a 9 inche pecker,
Average ain’t enough,
I need an extra inche or 2.

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