Broke motherfucker, letting him nut in me is about the dumbest thing I’ve ever allowed. More than 3 billion niggas with prospects and I chose one who is still bound, to mummy, can never commit to our future without them discussing it aloud, been together for 5 years and we still can’t fuck without making a sound, cause “it will wake mummy” , I am done with this dummy. Broke motherfucker, can’t get a job, I do everything for our family and what is his job? Fuck bitches on the down-low to make me sob. I am done with the sort. Broke motherfucker, can’t provide for his little girl. Frequenting tarvens on a daily and lusting over women who are keen to make a twirl. Promising heaven on earth without a pearl. While her daughter is bold and other girls have curls. Broke motherfucker with a tiny dick! Could have chosen anyone in the world and this was my pick? Should have chosen his friend with a huge prick. This motherfucker makes me sick! Broke motherfucker, can’t even take me out on a date. Every time I suggest a restaurant, he already ate. My love has dilapidated and what I feel is hate. My plan is to pack my things and head for the gate. We can’t repair things, it’s far too late. Broke motherfucker, his local with no dreams. Decaying on the corner and I am supposed to be his queen? Everything ain’t what it seems, his life is on the dim while my light just beams. Broke motherfucker, I am leaving you for another motherfucker, one who will provide for all my needs and know how to fuck her.
Everybody knows on the third date we engage in coitus, it’s a concrete rule edged on the stone of life, it’s in the Bible, old testament. How you gon test a man? What do you mean you tired? What’s next, you gonna hit my hand? Unfortunately, the contract is signed and I’ve been hired. I listened to your boring stories and acted like I cared, so great my performance you think our experiences are shared. Oh hell no, the chance to elope was on the first date, the second date is a debate but the third date is the save the date! How you gon leave casually like nothing happened? I played my role what must happen? After all the money I spent on you? Champagne and wine ordered just for you. Lobster and prawns just to impress you. Your time is due, open up the gates cause I’ve been standing in queue. The time has come for me to validate you. Grab your bag, we going to sleep, I’ll get you a Red Bull, this problem ain’t steep. Don’t you know what grown folks do after dinner? I know you do cause you a sinner. I freaked you once when you were thinner and now you are matured and I can’t wait to pin ya. On the bed, on the floor, suck your tits, penetrate you to the core, I’ll french kiss your other tongue, I am better than ever before. Everybody knows on the third date we engage in coitus, what type of panties you wearing, it’s time to misbehave, I hope you all shaved, never mind that I like bush all the same, I’m vintage like I lived in caves.
I want an amazing life, no compromises because when Retshi died I promised things to myself and my life. Yea, I know what they say about promises and how keeping them is difficult but this was more of a vision of my life. It was subjective and heartfelt; I promised to be the best I could for him. I am more afraid of not living than dying, to be a carbon copy of everyone else and not understand what constitutes my essence, to be a slave of my impulses and not being able to regulate my emotions, to stand idle while my dreams disappear in the distance, to lose myself, to get swayed by novelty and not have an anchor that grounds me – that scares me, dying is easy and quicker. He lived a short life, he deserved more, his passing was tragic, he was a junior and he beamed with excitement at the prospect of being a senior, life had other plans and his life disappeared like an illusion, like mirrors, like it never happened. One moment he was there and the next he was gone like evaporation. Such is life, it’s all this big theatricality that disappears right before your eyes and metastasizes as something else if reincarnation is the correct hypothesis. The pictures he left behind became myths and his whole life mythological but at least he left a legend. Do his past friends and family members still remember him? Who cares? It’s like the past swallowed him into oblivion and irrelevance but I remember, I can’t quite forget about him like the feeling of nostalgia, he takes me back to simpler times. His death was honorable and respectful, he was loved, he metastasized into a hero, a noble soul and an inspiration to all, like Batman he became a symbol that transcended everyday living. You need to be deadman to be a hero and the successor to your deed needs to be alive, if both of you are still living then that’s just normal everyday living but you do have heroic characteristics. If everyone is dead, it becomes a massacre or to avoid hyperbole a draw. He fits the description of what it is to be a hero.
One nightmarish day, he jumped into the river in attempts to rescue a boy who was swallowed in the deep end, drowning, gasping for air with water flooding his body and his senses failing him. The little boy was doomed with no saviors to watch you from the bay, no Pamela Anderson with her volaptious titties to save the day, it was a swim in the river the little boy would dread. He must have saw the white light and angels singing choruses. Out of nowhere, like he was Godsent, Retshi jumped in and saved a drowning soul on the steps of heaven from perishing but he drowned and died instead. The biggest sacrifice one can make. “Damn! Just like that? He lives, and he dies? That’s not fair!” I realize my protests are futile, I just wish he didn’t jump in because then we’d still have him. I know my reasoning is selfish, spiteful, arrogant and doesn’t take into consideration the person he was even at a young age, but morality is suspended from my reasoning and discourse, I am not perfect, I am flawed, unworthy, a sinner and maybe I hate him for being the reason that my friend is gone. Yes of course, I know, Retshi is going to save some drowning kid his never met before because he was considered a good swimmer, he was tall, had a good heart and empathy of the highest order. There’s solace in that his death was ordained by the God’s, he did what came naturally to him, he didn’t have to think twice and today someone reaps the fruits of that decision. There’s also the fact that he loved swimming and so he was killed with his own dagger, the irony, poetic justice. I can’t blame him or be rueful of the past because I too appreciated the qualities he had as a human being. He had a pure soul, he loved to help, was empathic, a good listener, calm and just chilled – he was my best friend. Although I wish he hadn’t acted, I understand and I respect him even more.
When he died, I cried and mourned his life. Before his death, we had a fight and didn’t talk to each other for a week and now he was gone. It was a stupid fight that holds no weight but pride prevented us from squashing the beef and now that fight is the last memory I have of him. Just like that my friend of many years, who lived on the same street died, it was serious, it was fatal and nobody could ressurect him. It was over and I was never going to see him again, it crushed my spirit and heaven couldn’t provide consolations. When he died, I wanted to achieve great things for him, to let the world know that he was still here operating in the spirit with us. I asked his spirit to be with me, to inhabit me, that we would share this meaty body in the three dimensional world. He has always been with me and motivated my decisions for the future. Having and knowing him changed my life, he made a mark and I am constantly haunted by my mortality, I am aware that things might switch up at any moment, that I mustn’t take life for granted, that everyday is a blessing and an opportunity to live out your best life. I am still fighting for an amazing life not just for me but for my friend who never got his chance. An amazing life for me is one with excess capital to create, make my dreams come true, to love and help as many people as I can. I want to make a contribution that is everlasting for humanity, but maybe none of that matters, the universe is in a constant flux and everything perishes. The ego is an illusion, no one will remember me, no one really cares and nothing matters in any case.
This is dedicated to my friend who died saving someone else, thank you for the lessons, memories and absolutely everything, as long as I am alive, you are alive – forever alive in our memories.
RETSHI – he had Respect, Empathy, stood Tall, was Special, was Hercules amongst us, let him always be our Inspiration.
2008 and I am the new kid at school, I am in a foreign environment, everything is different, the kids are different, the culture at school is different, we have white kids here and the kids can bring their cellphones to school. That’s unbelievable! At my previous school, you couldn’t bring your cellphone to school, that was forbidden but when you got to the 7th grade, you had your own toilets that nobody else could use! Reserved only for the seniors of the schools, exclusively for grade 7’s, nobody else used them. The toilets were nicer, they were cleaner and they smelt good. Afterschool when everybody went home, I would use the toilets reserved only for the grade 7’s. It was a dream to be a senior and to be able to use those toilets. I never did, I left when I was in the 6th grade. Maybe I should have stayed one more year and concluded my primary education there, if not for the education then at least for the toilets. I was popular, I was the best poet in the school, I was in the school choir, I played sports and I was destined to be a “Counselor”, a “Counselor” was a “Prefect”. I so wanted to be a counselor and my chances were so good, it was basically guaranteed that I’d be one had I been a senior, but I left. I chased the feeling of wanting to be the new kid in a different environment, it excited me, it was my decision, I wanted a change. The new school was formal, we had a demerit system, that was new to me, I mean the idea of transgressions? It basically stated what learners could and could not do, like a free pass, the whole system perpetuated behavior it seeked to avoid because now technically I can get away with murder and have a few points docked. We never had that in my previous school and you never would have gotten away with murder! Not surprisingly, the kids in my new school were quite liberated, there was an entitlement about them, they were smug, they knew they had rights and they were arrogant. For me it was a big shift in culture but it was cool, small stuff, I could handle it.
For the first few days, I was under the radar, I moved in stealth and acquainted myself with the new environment. On breaks I sat alone and listened to music on my cellphone, something that suited me because I am introverted, I was happy but I got friends fairly quickly and by the third day I was chilling with some kid on breaks. His name was Tefu, strange kid, tall and lanky, looked way bigger for his age, was a year or two bigger than me but I liked him. Months elapsed and I made new friends, Tefu and I were not that close anymore. One of my new friends Mondli also a relatively new kid was a hip-hop head and an aspiring cool kid. Mondli loved the ladies. Our class had the most beautiful girls in the school, no lie, I counted at least 3 girls that I liked. I still remember their names, Leala, Mbalenhle and Amelia. My first preference was Leala but the other two were cute. Luckily I sat next to Leala because her surname starts with a “P” and mine with an “S”, so we sat towards the end. If we sat in pairs, I sat with Leala. She was brilliant, smart, beautiful and creative. She had a personality that was made of gold, Leala was cool, her energy was calm. We connected, we used to talk all the time, I knew her, she became my friend. I even knew who she had a crush on, it was this white kid named “Chad” and you could see the dreamy eyes on Leala’s face whenever she was around Chad. Her body language was different, she was flirty, she wanted Chad to see her. Chad changed schools in the 3rd week but I knew Leala’s Kyrptonite. One day I blurted out that she liked Chad and she transformed, something in her changed, it was as if she were possessed by demons, she made a scene in front of the whole class and told me off, she dismissed me like a naughty child that needed discipline, everyone’s attention was cast on me and I became the butt of the joke so everyone laughed. Right there I knew that Chad was a sensitive issue, never mess with a young girls feelings but her reaction confirmed my suspicions, I touched a nerve, I was right and she knew it. Later because me and her were so tight she confirmed that I was right.
Leala was my closest friend, we didn’t chill together on breaks or anything like that but in class we talked a lot and our conversations were fire! We liked each other’s company, we laughed a lot, we were comfortable with one another, she was my friend. Still, outside the classroom I needed to fit in or risk being ostracized by my peers. I invested my time with Mondli. He had the biggest crush on Mbalenhle and it was warranted, Mbali was beautiful! She was the most beautiful girl in school hands down! He told me about her and made advances on her. All day, every day, he used to talk about Mbali and he transferred the fever on to me. I started noticing her more and more till finally, I fell in love with her. She haunted my conscious reality, all I thought about was her. So I decided to do something, through some clever maneuvering, I managed to get her numbers, fine I got them from Mondli but I was in stealth mode, I stole them, he didn’t know I had them. After getting the numbers, I sent her an SMS professing my love for her. It was such a cowardly SMS, my feelings were all over the place, it’s so embarrassing. It had a lot of anonymity, I didn’t want her to know who it was from, it was just about getting it out of myself. Like “Eish Mbali you are the most beautiful girl in the world and I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t believe I am saying this but I love you”, you know some simp stuff, I can’t quote it word for word because I don’t remember it but it was something along those lines. The next day, everybody in the class knew about the SMS, the horror, luckily I didn’t sign my name. She knew it was not from Mondli because she had his number and they were chatting on mxit. She asked me straight up if it was from me, I denied it. Like “Me? Never! I don’t even have your number”. It was a sneaky little SMS, I used a different number and I later disposed of the sim card. It was better that way. I mean why did the whole class know about the SMS? Although I wanted her to know that I loved her, taking ownership of the SMS was suicide, I avoided it but she knew it was from me, you could see it in her eyes, she was certain, there was no one else, but she didn’t probe further, she let things be.
After the SMS, things changed for her, despite my awkward and nervous energy, she grew fonder of me, it was in the way she looked at me, her gaze was intense and focused, she didn’t shy away from letting me know that she was staring, she had pet names for me, when my friends were teasing me in class she defended me, she blew me kisses, I freaked out! I have never had a girlfriend before, I don’t know what to do! YES SURE, I am in love with her but I don’t know what to do! I was just an artsy, awkward kid so I didn’t do anything. I followed my purpose, wrote poetry and dominated the district instead. On the last day of school, she wrote her numbers on my shirt, she stopped being subtle, she wanted me to call her, I never did. I wish I did something with Mbalenhle but I was a coward that’s why I am writing this instead.
I am not him, it’s wrong that you compare me to him. It’s not fair, you claim you over him yet you connected like an active sim.
I won’t do it, I just won’t do it, I’d much rather let you walk away. It’s going to tear me apart but I won’t let you lead me astray.
I am not him, you have history and he taught you everything you know. Your love was pure and as white as snow.
I could never taint the canvas you created with my dirty brush. You were his girl and you were my crush. Every time we locked eyes, I just blushed, emotions spiked, time moved faster and I felt I was rushed. I could never give you what he did, I’d be flushed.
I am not him, he was your first serious boyfriend while I was just a boy-friend. What he did with you fills the deep end, while I am busking in the sun and walking on land. We two different people and a compromise is quicksand.
I won’t do it, his shoes are too big to fill. You were a virgin before him and he taught you how to feel. I am not having it like a promiscuous girl on the pill cause, you still rave about him like his paying the bill.
Nope, I am not him, you’re not ready to move on. You holding up progress and your tears are a turn off.
I am not him, it’s wrong that you compare me to him. Your constant on and off Makes my heart go dim.
One day I hope to have the right amount of sensitivity, experience, finesse and creativity to execute a song like Cherry Wine. I can safely say it’s my favorite song of all time by miles. It’s the song that made to go to the music store to purchase that “Life Is Good” album. Yes, the album was hyped up and I loved the two singles, “Daughters” produced by No I.D and Summer on Smash produced by Swizz Beats but I didn’t make the decision as of yet to purchase the album. Then one day, I came home from school and the music channel was debuting “Cherry Wine”, so I gazed onto the TV screen and was transported to pure music heaven, the song paralyzed me and I was in awe, “wow”, I thought. I knew that my life would be altered forever, I mean it was Nas and Amy Winehouse – Salaam Remi on the credits. To this day Amy Winehouse is still my favorite artist. I watched that “Cherry Wine” video and I fell in love. It’s so hypnotic and Nas is so thoughtful, expressive and articulate. He makes you reminisce about the past while being hopeful of the future, while Amy is dreaming out loud, her mind drifting on top of clouds and she’s yearning for this man who is just like her to come take her away, she feels alone, she feels vulnerable, it’s sad, it’s moving, it’s meaningful, it’s poetry, it’s life, it’s art. The beat, the horns, the verses and Amy’s vocals, it’s just a beautiful song – perfect! I was a bit sentimental because Amy Winehouse had past on a couple of months prior and “Cherry Wine” was her last song and it was with Nas! Nas is amazing! I wish I could write a song like that. After I watched that video, I downloaded the song and it was actually better than the video – the video was shortened but on the mp3 Amy goes on and makes the song her own. “Cherry Wine” changed things for me, I bought the “Life Is Good” album. The album is one of the best CDs I’ve ever bought. “Life is good” is a masterpiece, a certified Nas classic, I love it, one of my favorite hip-hop albums of all time. The first CD I have ever bought was “God’s Son” by Nas. Also a classic, had songs like “Get Down”, “I Can”, Dance” and “Heaven”, yea that was a great album. Illmatic is unbelievable! Still if I had just one wish, I’d wish to create a song like “Cherry Wine”. I want the mood, the aesthetics, the Jazz sound and melodies, the feel and an artist as talented as Amy Winehouse to take center stage. I would also talk about Love and what I want in a woman. Like Nas, I’d give Amy the space to make that song hers. I’d also name my song “Cherry Wine”, that’s my dream. I know creating content like “Cherry Wine” is difficult, Nas suffered through divorce to make it happen. That’s the beauty of “Life Is Good”, it’s so personal. I am open to endure suffering to create great art. One day when I have the resources and talent, I am going to create all of this and it’s going to be the most awesome thing ever!
Yea, Nas is my favorite rapper. He made things easy for me with King’s Disease, KD2, Magic and KD3. Shout-out to Hit-boy for producing all of those Classics. He is still Escobar, Nasty Nas, he hasn’t switched up, he is still Nas! His flow, rhymes, storytelling and word play is of the highest quality. The longevity under his belt unbelievable, 30 years at the top and he is still hungry for more. He is a living legend. He was never something he was not, he didn’t appease the culture, he never dumbed down, he was just Nas. I respect that, I admire that. He is a shinning light. He inspires me.
I love cookies, num, num, num, num! I devour them to make you cum, cum, cum, cum! Oreos are my favorite, I like to lick what’s in between like a serpent to taste the air. Twist it into two to make it a pair, lick the white off to show some care and pound the black like you wouldn’t compare. I am a cookie connoisseur, I explore under hoods to locate the perfect spot, stick my tongue in to enter the lot, and abuse the inhabitant to send me to court. I am a master of the clit, they go bananas like split cause my tongue game is so lit. Cookies are my favorite, I am addicted, it’s like fame. Whether breakfast, lunch or dinner, it’s all the same. Sometimes I’ll eat them as a snack and hide the shame, different brands tend to cause pain, it’s viewed as infidelity and I am not vain. Truth be told, I can’t commit to one brand till I am old. Variety exists and different brands are sold, and so I am bold, eating all the cookies in my zone. Experimenting and licking everything like ice cream cones. Although I don’t want to be alone, I can’t let go of the different cones, they satisfy and give me pleasure, I won’t do it, they are apart of me like bones. I love different cookies, I spit on them before I eat them, to mark my territory so nobody else can eat them. Pink like strawberries, I taste all of my ladies. Kiss the lips to savior the taste, slow and smooth and never with haste. Make her ejaculate fluids like paste. Attention specialist, make her scream in overtime. Do it again the next time, spotless to remove the grime, just to prove this is my crime. I love cookies, num, num, num, num, I lick until you go numb, numb, numb, numb as long as your reciprocate and give me brain cause I’m so dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.
I never did stop loving you, even throughout the long years, I thought about you constantly. I did my best to stay in touch. But you were playing games, corresponding with my friend in attempts to make me jealous. Sometimes it did work but it was in the minority. He was never in my league so I never felt threatened, but I did question you and whether or not you were worth it. I invested so much of myself in the idea of you that I never wanted to lose you. I thought I had it all figured out, that we’d someday be together, but I was wrong. Despite you being the inspiration of everything I did, I still lost you. To this day I still don’t understand why life didn’t give us a chance. I regret nothing, I stand by everything I did in the past. I am the accumulation of my past efforts and I am proud of the man I’ve have become. But I keep wondering what if? We were vibing, we were on the same wavelength. I loved you and I know you felt the same way. Is there something we should have done differently? Were we deluded in our love? I am guilty for being distant and not being affectionate so maybe it’s me, I should have sent you text messages that warmed your heart and showed you I cared but then again, I didn’t want to manipulate you, you’d pick it up, all this love-bombing stuff, I wouldn’t be able to sustain it. I prefer to be with you in the flesh and gaze in your eyes, shower you with compliments and tell you that I love you. Unfortunately distance got in between us and that barrier couldn’t be overcome. Our union was doomed from the start. We just could not get it together. I can’t help but to think that you are the one that got away and I am rueful ruminating about potential realities. You are mine in a perfect world, I’ll never stop loving you.
