Interpretation of dreams #3

Interpretation of dreams #3

Beautiful morning, clear skies, no rain in sight, I had a good dream. Much better, there’s light at the end of the tunnel. A dreamt about money in my pocket, no Spiderman, no shame. In the dream, I am with a friend Kg and he is visibly happy! Gordon’s (Gin) in hand, he is in a celebratory mood. His relationship with his girlfriend didn’t work out and now the dowry money is coming back to him. It was a toxic relationship in any case and they are both better off separated. We went to the shops to buy the Gin but because of his excitement we finished the whole bottle on our way back. Kg did most of the drinking, dry gin, no sponge. He was just so happy that succubus was out of his life. He looks at the bottle and notices that the bottle is almost empty. I blame him and tell him that he finished the whole bottle. He looks at me and tells me don’t worry. He reaches in his pockets and takes out a lot money, he hands the money to me because he is so drunk and tells me “let’s go buy another one, you can pick any bottle you want”.

Analysis: Beautiful morning, clear skies, much better. The dream is straight forward, my friend was in a toxic relationship. They had a miscarriage and he is so relieved he dodged the bullet. Purple nation yeah but there’s also crazy, entitled, baby mama drama! The schemers, the manipulators: ladies, we still remember what you did to Flabba. Crazy bitch stabbed him in cold blood and murdered him and was released from Jail in a couple of years. Purple nation yes but it goes both ways, there’s double standards and a victim mentality here. Kg feels he escaped a Flabba moment, his girlfriend was too crazy!

We were talking about this on the weekend, that’s why it penetrated my psyche and my dreams. She was a hindrance, a stumbling block, in his way and she refused to move over. The dream is symbolic, now that she’s gone, he is getting his dowry money back and is ecstatic – he has money in his pockets, he is happy.

Purple nation, I’ve been reading Momo Matsunyane’s book about plays. Ka Lebitso La Moya is obviously a masterpiece. The other two plays from the book “Penny” and “Unlearn” are also great. All three plays explore rape. Powerful work, she writes in her voice, you know the characters, they are relatable and feel alive. She doesn’t sugarcoat the human condition, she has a deep knowledge of human nature. Reading her plays, I was excited again. I had forgot why I came to the theatre in the first place – the stories. I wanted to improve myself, master the craft. In the course of just trying to stay alive in the industry, I lost that, I existed in another form but I don’t need to do that anymore. I am alive, I am in, no one is in my way. I won. I am simultaneously Kg with that bottle of Gin. Even though psychological, I too cut ties with my toxic partner. It’s time to move forward and reap the benefits, I am going to adapt my stories for the stage and make a real effort to get them on the stage. I am going to collaborate with other artists and open doors and I am going to make a lot of money.

Purple nation aside, I will put down a crazy bitch!

Interpretation of dreams #2

Interpretation of dreams #2

I dreamed I am Spiderman but my webs are not strong enough, sometimes they are not coming out, it’s stressful. Its a nightmare, I keep falling, I can’t catapult. My mask has been taken away from me by another Spiderman, I am not worthy. Everyone can see who I am, my identity is exposed, it’s raining, rain is in my eyes. So much expectations out of me because I am Spiderman, but I can’t do anything, I am falling apart, I can’t beat the bad guy. My webs are not strong enough, too weak and fragile. Sometimes they don’t come out, so I fall and jump. I am exposed, everyone can see my face. So I am running, swinging. I am running away from myself. A longtime friend shouts out my name in attempts to get me back to my path but I web his mouth to shut him up. He doesn’t understand, my webs are not strong enough and I am exposed. I can’t do anything. I can’t save anybody. I am weak. I keep wishing there is a redemption arc, I want the dream to process faster, but it doesn’t, it’s a nightmare and rain is in my eyes. I keep swinging, running away from myself with echoes of my name rebounding around me. Then I wake up. I didn’t like this dream.

I have to watch “The Amazing Spiderman 2”, it’s the only Spiderman movie I haven’t seen, everything was cool and the dream was structured around Andrew Garfield. I was watching, a spectator and suddenly everything changed, it became about me. Spiderman lost his power and the other Spiderman was relentless in getting his mask. The other Spiderman was in pursuit of the original Spiderman. He couldn’t be evaded, he was patient and cunning, jumping, leaping and swinging vertically, horizontally and strategically to make the space smaller so he can corner the other Spiderman. His web strands are thick and strong. He is faster. So much focus and dedication to unmask the other Spiderman. He won and took off the mask of the other Spiderman and escaped. The unmasked Spiderman ceased being Andrew Garfield, it was me and I was exposed and disgraced. The whole dream, I tried getting back to Andrew’s level but I failed. I was not worthy. My webs are not strong enough and everybody can see my face. Everybody can see my shame. I woke up – what a nightmare!

Analysis: It has been raining quite a lot over the past couple of days. My door is damp and damaged from all the rain. I can’t fix it or buy another one because I don’t have the money, I feel helpless to do anything. I applied for a writing masterclass from the John Kani Institute and was met with a “unfortunately…”. And would you look at that? I wake up to a broken fridge and kettle. Immaculate timing as always, thank you so much City Power and Eskom – I can’t fix that too. My feelings of insufficiency and unworthiness breaking charts. I am a weak ass Spiderman and everybody can see. I can’t beat the bad guy, my cover has been blown and my webs strands are not strong enough, they keep breaking and sometimes they don’t come out. I also can’t run away from myself and the rain is in my eyes. A lot of shame in this dream.

Goddammit!! My luck has to change, I need happier dreams. Dreams about love and making lots of money. God, Universe, give me a break man! This Spiderman stuff is bullshit!

Interpretation of dreams

Interpretation of dreams

Ever since I started reading “The Interpretation of dreams” by Sigmund Freud, I have a relationship with my dreams. I am understanding myself a bit better. I should keep a dream journal. The dream as wish-fulfillment. The dream I had today was interesting. My interpretation of the dream is one of fatigue. In the dream I was walking long distances, I am with someone, female, identity not clear but we get along. We both walking but we are fatigued. The act of walking long distance is not a sacrifice, we both love it but we are still fatigued. Something has to give, we can’t keep doing this, there is no reason to keep doing this, there is no incentive to keep doing this, love is not enough, we can’t keep walking, we are fatigued but we are still cheerful and happy.

Intuitively I understand the dream, I’ve been feeling so limited. Feeling so boxed in and disillusioned with life and everything. I do feel fatigued, I can’t keep walking the extra mile. I can’t keep putting people over when they turn a blind eye to my needs. I am fatigued, I am tired. Why do I feel so tired? I think I feel undervalued and unappreciated.

My friends recently went to Durban and they left me behind. I didn’t have the money to take the trip but that can’t be the determining factor. They had transport, they had enough. They left me behind. They never would have done that in the past. It’s like there’s a bridge between me and them and I can’t get over. I don’t feel close to anyone anymore. This bridge is frustrating! It’s a metaphor for my life, I can’t get over and make money in my professional life and yet I am still walking. There’s something in between, hindering me from getting to my destination. It induces feelings of unworthiness, I feel stuck, I have feelings of shame, I am isolated, I have no connections. I am tired, fatigued, nothing I do is bringing the desired effects, even my lifelong friends are indifferent towards me. I am cool with not having gone to Durban, I wouldn’t want anyone to harber secret resentments towards me because I went and didn’t pay – that would be so horrible! However, the trip did have an impact on my thoughts and apparent dream.

I do think the dream is addressing my people pleasing tendencies. It’s a big saboteur, it’s draining me and hence the fatigue. I may secretly yearn for validation from others and hence the cheerful disposition from walking long distances despite my fatigue. The dream is both literal and figurative. Oh Freud, what a mess!