She is my sunshine. My light in a world filled with darkness. My cherry wine. The best thing that has ever been mine. Not that she’s a possession, she’s just my everything, my world, my eternity, my forever. I first laid my eyes on her when I was a young teen. We hit it off and slowly matured like good wine. Her smile brightens my day. Her laughter nourishes my soul. She has the ability of working the room like Ginger in Casino. She makes me wish, I were De Niro, the starring role in her life. But it’s complicated. She can never be mine like Ginger. So maybe I am Ace, trapped with a woman who can never love me.
But we are best friends right?
Get the rizzla and we will create clouds in the sky. We will talk about the future. We will talk about our dreams and how I need you in my life. How I will love you until you go numb. We can talk about our kids and expensive mansions with exported gates, big trees and high fences. The bespoke clothes, shoes, cars and luxury brands. Everything and more if you can be mine. Grant me that chance, that opportunity of a lifetime. Be my Daisy, my greenlight. I have everything set up for us. I have been building and hence I have left you vacant. But only you occupy my heart. Everyone else is just a tenant and as the landlord they are evicted.
I love her
You are mine. I love you. You make me feel good. You give my life purpose. You complete me, make me whole. You take good care of me. You care about me, you make me feel special. You are kindness personified. You make me feel like I can fly, like there’s nothing I can’t accomplish. I can’t imagine my life without you. I don’t want to be with anyone besides you. I love you.
I got my girl pregnant. I don’t know what to make of it. My emotions are scattered like nonlinear data. I feel like a bipolar patient. Damn!
I hope it’s a boy, that would make my dreams come true. Not that I wouldnt want a beautiful little girl. I would give her the world. My father died when I was a little boy and it crushed me. It’s unfair how I never got a fair chance at life. I grew up without a father and it’s a feeling, I wouldn’t wish for an enemy. It’s something I wouldn’t wish for Satan, we all need love. But I hear his voice in my head suggesting, whispering to take fleet. To hit the road jack and never come back, no more, no more, no more.
It’s a thought I am flirting with but it’s not serious. Still, it lurks in the darkness like a thief like the night. Will I ultimately yield to the Devils suggestions? Do I yield to his wit? His solutions do provide an escape. An avenue to start a fresh and a new canvas to commence a different painting. The Devils solutions cancel all preexisting mistakes. They terminate stupidity. And maybe that’s all it was, not that I regret the pussy. Quite the opposite, it really was a slice of heaven. Her pussy was warm and toasty, delicious. It was accommodating. It was like being in an oven. It was tight and pulled me in like a zip. Her pussy was like an asylum, It was absolutely crazy! So maybe I am a coward. After all, I took her innocence and planted falsified tales about our future together in her mind.
I am not ready to be a father.
These are all thoughts, nothing is definite. I would never do that to her. Although, I do have fears of being a bad father. Am I enough? Will my kid be proud of his father? Do I have it in me to be a good father? What about my future, my dreams. The timing is bad. I just don’t think children raising children is a good idea. I am not ready. I still have a mother, I can’t be a father. I can’t give my child the future he deserves, one that I never had. How am I going to take care of him when I don’t want a job? How am I going to get a job when I didn’t go to school? Why must you demand so much of me? How is that fair? Why must you win?
I told her straight up “don’t wait up!” I was serious as a heart attack. If something better came along she was free to board along and experience the voyage like a cruise because the cost of not doing so was Titanic! Not that I don’t hold myself in high-esteem but I was being practical. Unlike an IPO, I had nothing to offer in a monetary sense. Like a shattered mirror I was irrevocably broke. But I did love her but what’s love got to do with it if you can’t provide? Without money, what are you? Surely, not a man because a man needs money to exist and navigate reality. Money represents power and I had none like a weakling. Devoid of muscle, how can I carry my lady like the queen she is all over the world? Better men exist in the world, men who can grant her whatever her heart desires. Men who can love her without insecurities. Men who can touch, stroke and caress her like the keys of a piano. Men who can satisfy her sexual urges, kiss her, make her moan a 8pmnd groan like the horns in a Jazz festival. I am the shadow of that man and hence my appearance at the rear. Jealously is not practical and conducive for a flourishing life. Not that I have never been jealous before, I have. I remember the distinct feeling of wanting to possess my love object like a demon, ironically I was the one possessed. Needless to say she saw right through me and chose to hike to a better life. Life requires flexibility and the presence of mind to hop onto a moving train en route to your destination. Stagnation leads to decay. Life is a continual process of evolution and hence, she will find better, it’s mothernature’s will. I don’t say this to drive her away or to instigate mind games, I do this because my love for her is as white as snow. I would hate to be a burden. I wouldn’t want to hinder her progress towards becoming. The worst thing that could happen to me is that she stays with me because she is obligated and contracted like a marriage. Love is simply electrical signals and chemicals processed by the brain and body, it is not enough to sustain all of life. Me and her are not enough, moreso that I am stripped of financial resources. I think all the time about how I wish things were better. I see myself as an archetype of a great man. However, greatness takes time. It would be unfair of me to ask her to stay along even though I know things are going to be better. With time we will have everything, including the capital to purchase Satan’s soul. But how do I make that vow to her in a subjective reality? Am I even in a position to make that vow? What makes me so confident to believe I can win a rigged game? I don’t know, it’s just something I feel. Something I want to believe with my whole being. I realize how laughable my sentiments are that’s why I propose “don’t wait up!” If something better comes along, don’t hesitate, make the climb to the rest of your life. Make memories, start a family and create a life. I will never hold that against you. I have been chasing dreams for years and now finally I realize that they were illusions, hallucinations only prevalent in my own inner theater. Everything is an illusion and our minds hallucinates reality, and as such to share what’s in my inner theater would be to delude you because it’s not in the objective. I told her don’t wait up to encourage her to chase what is objective and prevalent in reality. Everything else is just fairy dust, wishful thinking and maybe that’s my claim to fame. Maybe I am guilty of this. There is no evidence that I will make it. Such is the certainty of life; the fact that nothing is certain. Instead of victory, I have a vault of business entities that didn’t make it. Promises that has been extinguished. She deserves better than promises. She deserves better than my “feelings of greatness” and even though she loves me, just don’t wait up. A
I was rugged unworthy and exposed like a dog on the street used to hostility and visions of being battered like a cricket ball. I was used to fighting for scraps in the streets, a bum, ass out broke like a mirror. Hell was my paradise and the streets my home. The corners represented a chance to be somebody, even if it meant hurting somebody. Cause who cares? The world’s cold like a dead corspe, totally unresponsive to our hopes and dreams. I tried to be in love but I failed, I suffered. For it required taking off a mask that was made permanent by time. It was not time, and my battle scars were deep as the ocean and I was swimming, drowning in vain. She could never understand my pain. She was evergreen and beaming like Mercury, bright, happy and optimistic. She was the type of girl who chased butterflies in the sun. The girl who loved colorful dresses and pulled up her hair. The type of girl who breathed twice just to enjoy the air. Stupidity and inexperience crowded her head. She lived in the sky and believed anything was possible. She was sensitive and possessed the empathy of a child playing with her toys, attuned to my feelings and emotions like a satellite. It made me uncomfortable. I was like a dog that cannot bear being treated with humility. All I knew was being kicked and limping to the next day. It was my reality. She represented a reality that was foreign, induced with xenophobia I could not stand it. It was like Freezas hell, filled with lilies, roses, teddy bears, blossoming life and the bright blue sky. I felt I was living a lie, one that was undetectable by a polygraph. She was too good for me and I couldn’t stand it.
I could be Hitler. I just can’t help but to connect with him. I think Reading “Mein Kampf” has turned me into a Nazi, I partly agree with his observations and I like some of his ideas. He was idealistic and big picture oriented. The Halocaust was horrible and nothing like that should ever happen again but the Jews do control all the banks, major media companies and just about everything else. Yes, he is biased and hateful but his comments were not slanderous, instead they reflected reality – still do. Does that justify the Halocaust? No, but I understand. Granted if I were born in that era, I wouldn’t have a chance because I would be a “Negro” or “Kafir” to use his term and I would be cast in the same box as the Jew if not lower but what if I were a pure Aryan German? What if I were favored by Hitler and natural selection? What if I were chosen by the Fatherland? What if I were worthy? I imagine it would validate my whole existence.
Chances are I would have been a Nazi, I would have done it for Hitler, he had a magnetic personality and he was charismatic. He was supremely intelligent, passionate, creative and he had a lot of enthusiasm. The story of the growth of the party is amazing, how meticulous he was with the planning, the red color of the posters, the Swastika, the flags, the showmanship, holding meetings at night to lower resistance, deliberate flooding of the streets with blood red posters, the propaganda campaigns and getting the best speakers for the program. He started speaking to a crowd of less than 20 people and through relentless campaigning and hard work moved to venues that could accommodate thousands of people. It wasn’t like the party had ample capital, the party had no financial backing whatsoever, all the money for the posters came from the ticket sales they charged for the entrance. Hitlers magnetic personality attracted people to his ideas, he had a magnificent talent in public speaking and was the head of propaganda for his party. He saw things in colors, symbols, words, visuals and sound. He was sensitive and intuitive. He possessed great taste in all things culture. He was a great leader. I can’t help but to be drawn to Hitler, even before I read the book I was intrigued by him because I’ve always appreciated those creative qualities. I see myself in his ideas and so I can’t rule out genocide. So maybe I am a bad person. I also have evil intentions. I also want world domination and my driving motivation is to be the best. Through that motivation lines might be blurred and I might end up serving my ego leading to narcissistic tendencies. I might be insecure and want to assert my will on a unsuspecting host. I might instigate violence to further my course. I might engage in malevolent acts to prove a point. I don’t think I am better than Hitler, I could be Hitler – everything he possessed, I possess.
So maybe reading “Mein Kampf” is not such a good idea, it might turn you into a Nazi and you don’t want that! Nazis are ostracized by society. Still, I could be Hitler.
Reading Mein Kampf and thinking “Adolf Hitler was not such a bad guy”, because now I hear his voice and his narrative. His interesting. Fine he is petty, small, hateful and has a distain for the Jews. I admit the hate propagated against the Jew is extraordinary. Still I understand. I am not making an excuse for what the Nazis did, the Halocaust was horrible! It is by far the greatest crime to humanity. But I could be Adolf Hitler, I am not better than Adolf Hitler. What if I was born into that time and surrounded by that culture. What if War was a reality and death around the corner? What if I served for my country and watched us sacumb on the final hurdle? What if we were humiliated by the allies and our comrades died for nothing? What if death and freedom weren’t intellectual concepts? I connect with Hitlers speech and tone throughout the first volume, he has a enthusiasm that is boundless and a attitude that is energetic. He is hopeful throughout the struggles, poverty, hunger, troubles, pains and uncertainty of the future, it is like he is chasing destiny. He is driven, he is passionate. He doesn’t have a victim-mentality. He is the change he wants to see. In his eyes, he serves something that is bigger than him – God. This makes him strong and durable, it makes him unstoppable! In the first War he gets blinded by tear gas and asks God to restore his eyesight so he can continue serving his will. When his eyesight is restored, he takes that as a sign, maybe he is the one. Let’s not forget that he served on the first guard, witnessing his fellow comrades die was the norm, he enlisted with a lot of men who never lived to tell their story. He escaped bullets and death daily fighting for his love – the Fatherland, you cannot deny his love for Germany.
I could be Hitler, he was open-minded, artistic and creative. The Swastika was his idea, the graphics, the color, what it mean’t and what it stood for. He loved art and he was a painter. Architecture was his passion and he had a talent in public speaking. Everything about that connects to me, I feel it, I understand, I am all of that! I could be Hitler, I want power, I want to be worshipped, I want control, I want to dominate people’s will, it would validate my existence and make me feel good. I know I am narcissistic, name one person who isn’t. The content he has brought in the world by being Adolf Hitler is amazing, his life was meaningful. History is fed with Hitler stories and all the lessons, history will forever remember Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler was all of humanity’s shadow manifested on a grand stage with high stakes. He was right, he was the chosen one and God’s hand was active. Even the malevolence, death and destruction was a part of the grand plan for humanity like Noah with his ark. Hitler is Jesus with flawed morality and deadly biases. Still, I could be Hitler, I have a lot of ideas on how we can create the perfect German whose athletic and has blue eyes. I have ideas on how we can create the perfect propaganda campaign and my Gas Chambers would fit in more Jews. I too could easily put to sleep permanently the disabled – they serve no utility to Germany. Germany loves Hitler, they are proud of him to this day, he is their icon like Nelson Mandela, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. I could be Hitler, I am not pure. I am dangerous, unpredictable and have what it takes to kill in cold blood. I can distance myself from situations and so genocide wouldn’t give me sleepless nights. I am a human being and I am heavily flawed, I am grandiose, egotistical, repressed, I don’t trust easily, I get jealous, I get insecure, I feel hate and anger – who knows what might happen?
When Beyonce has you, you are not going anywhere. She has her claws deep in my spirit, she’s incredible, I love her. I was always a JAY-Z guy, sure Beyonce was there and doing great but I never really listened to her music. I am a boy and boys don’t listen to Beyonce, they listen to JAY-Z. I did listen to “Lemonade” when it was released though, I thought it was incredible, undoubtedly the best album when it came out. I loved it, it was raw, inspired, honest, revealing, vulnerable and emotional. It was a journey into Beyonces pysche, her soul was in it. It felt personal and heartfelt. I felt her personality, I felt the words and emotions, her content was grounded in reality. Still, I shyed away from it because I identified with JAY-Z. So when “4:44” dropped, I deleted “Lemonade” and went with JAY-Zs narrative. That “Lemonade” album is the most dangerous thing I have ever heard, worse than “Ether”, JAY-Z was in real danger, cheating on Beyonce is like cheating on the whole world. And so JAY-Z had to explain himself to the world and the album needed to be a classic. Going to No ID for the production of the album was a great idea. “4:44” diffused the situation, JAY-Z had to apologize, a lot could have gone wrong, he almost lost a great appreciating asset there, but praise God, he did the right thing, I was happy and satisfied with “4:44”. I always knew Beyonce was talented beyond words but I never really gave her an audience. This changed a couple of months ago when I finally got the “4” album. The “4” album had “Love on top” and I always loved that song but somehow I never got the album. I didn’t have the confidence to go the music store and purchase a Beyonce album. Years later I finally get the album and the first track of the album is “Love on top”, my brainwaves spiked, it was like I was overdosing on dopamine. The whole album was great and certainly worth the wait. I wanted some more so I got “Lemonade” again. Listening to “Lemonade” this time was like discovering Kanye West for the first time, in the sense that I fell in love again. I had this feeling that I couldn’t explain but I knew it was greatness. It was like a new reality was opening up to me. I felt renewed. My subconscious mind knew the lyrics to the songs so I was pretty much in free flow, I enjoyed my experience. After listening to “Lemonade” that day, I was pretty much hooked, I couldn’t believe a woman like Beyonce existed, I was smitten and hypnotized by her aura, artistry and energy. I got the self-titled album, also a classic, I’ve been in love and obsessed ever since. I love the subjects she covers in her songs, she is the embodiment of femininity, she empowers and she inspires. I saw the Super Bowl performance she did with Bruno Mars and Coldplay in 2016 and it’s the most epic performance ever. In the performance she battles Bruno Mars with the crowd cheering in the background. Bruno Mars is the only person in the world that could rival her greatness and he did it. She’s impossible to beat on an ordinary day with no stakes but this time around she had a point to prove, she was performing for her legacy. She had on an outfit that was inspired by Michael Jackson in the 1993 Super Bowl. While performing she misses a step and almost falls on her ass but she recovers so quickly that her mistake can’t even be seen and continues performing at a high level. The recovery is so quick that you can see it with the naked eye, but I saw it, and yet the narrative is that it was one of the greatest performances in Super Bowl history. She’s so professional and amazing. Damn, I was blown away by that performance, it was excellence, a master operating at the peak of her powers. Beyonce can make you go crazy.
Renee Decarte argued the essence of being exists in two realms, the spiritual which can be interpreted as the subconscious and the physical and I think he makes a very compelling point. I mean look at nature for example, it just is. If I were a Lion I’d be the most conscientious Lion ever or at least a creative Lion working at a circus or something because my spirit is creative, that is who and what I am, a God, a creator. Beauty is generally the seducer of men so when someone falls in love with your spirit that’s different, that’s special because like Freud said, everyone is a narcissist. That’s why you gotta slap a bitch sometimes to deliver some consciousness, shout out Stephanie McMahon the hottest in the game with that swing game. When someone falls in love with your spirit, that person sees the possibilities of your dreams that you no longer see because you have been narrowed and hardened by the environment that you occupy and society. When someone loves your spirit, that person sees you in a light that you will never see yourself. You need to selfishly keep that person in your life for as long as possible. That person will help you experience being and being requires becoming.
The internet has done amazing things when it comes to connecting us. It has has made things easier and convenient.
I got invited to a braai and I saw a girl that I liked and so I hugged her, she held me tight. She was warm and smelled really good. She was happy to see me, the evidence came from her voice, it was cheerful and high pitched. Her body language was open towards me, her legs were facing me and her hands were spread out for me to embrace her. She was enthused.
Then I sat next to a girl who clearly has the biggest crush on me. She was fidgeting, nervy and moving all the time. She had a nervous energy, she touched her hair and kept moving her legs anxiously. This was until her boyfriend saw all that energy and told her to come sit next to him, she was relieved and went right next to him. After that she was calm and stopped being so nervous and nervy, she collaborated more with the social group. I tend to have that effect on the ladies, they love me. Truthfully I understand, I am amazing.
Then I conversed with my friends about soccer, it was passionate and hearty. We also talked a lot about stupid and improbable things, we laughed a lot. There was alcohol and so I drank. There was also weed and I smoked. It was great, plus we had music and everyone was dancing. The drinks in the cooler were cold and we took out Hagermeister straight out the freezer for some shots. Everyone’s body language was open, everyone was happy. The place had a vibe and energy.
Zoom meetings or FaceTime doesn’t have that. You can’t scout people’s mannerisms, you can’t see body language, you see what I only want you to see, you can’t feel the sensations like cold beer and a warm hug. You also can’t be spontaneous, everything is structured and the meeting has to end. You can’t change locations or move around. There’s no food and you can’t share a joint with your friends. Zoom and FaceTime are good only if you intend on being professional, when the process has a clearly defined end-goal.
I understand that microchips can enhance the quality of life. They can assist with Alzeheimers disease, PTSD (Post traumatic stress disorder) and other mental illnesses and disorders. They can make you cognitively sharper and physically stronger. But who holds the data over my brain? Me or these companies? How do I know that my data is safe with them? Big companies are ethically and morally flawed when it comes to managing data, for them its all about the bottomline. We saw an example with Facebook with the Cambridge Analytica case. How do I know that my data is safe? How do I know that they won’t press buttons to make me go crazy? Will they intrude on my personal privacy? We already know that our technology is always spying on us. Are they now going to dictate my thoughts? Will my thoughts be my thoughts?
Moral dilemma, let’s say you are opposed to getting a brainchip for your child but all the other children at school already have them and they are way smarter than your child. They are faster, stronger and immune to sickness. What do you do? Do you install a brainchip on your child’s brain? You are ethically wrong if you don’t. You are not giving him/her a fair chance at life. Is morality really a subjective concept?
I wouldn’t put on a brainchip unless it is absolutely critical. I need to be on death’s door or something like that, otherwise I wouldn’t, I prize and value my privacy. I won’t let you force your way into my mind without my consent. If it’s a case of mental illnesses, I advocate psychedelic drugs like Ayahuasca and psylocybin mushrooms. There’s always an alternative to drilling your head.
antakalipa 