Reflections

He said I still don’t know what I want to do with my life and it scares me. The expectations of everyone are putting me in the deep end and I don’t know how to swim. And so I am drowning, overwhelmed by everyone’s ideas of my life. I am reminded of the illusion of time and how I am not getting any younger. My peers are already settled but what does that mean? Because all I see is slow death that creeps on you like tobacco. The life of my peers is the cancer that grows and spreads exponentially. They have stopped living and are on a gradual decline to death. My peers are living quiet lives of desperation. Characterized by doing the same things everyday. Life has become a chore and growth is something that has eluded them. Nihilism creeps in on a daily and they often ask themselves, is this really worth it? Why don’t I just end it now? Isn’t it mercy? This can’t be life, there’s gotta be more!

I am tired of doing the same things everyday. My life is repetitive and I feel I am trapped in a loop. The sex is not all that great and I think my wife is having second thoughts. I am trapped in debts and the mortgage payments aren’t helping. I am slave, prostituting myself for the money and I am not enjoying it anymore. Everything is an obligation and lately I can’t bare to look at myself in the mirror. I don’t know who I am. I lost all my passions. My possessions have become my owners and I live in complete misery. I don’t know what happiness is anymore. Everyone in my life is fake and I have lost real connections. Everyone seeks to use me as a resource. I suffer from depression and most nights I can’t sleep. My life has become a Pavlovian experiment and the trauma is making me suggestible to all the injustices of life. Forced to love my servitude. My life is a propaganda campaign orchestrated by Nazis. The only thing that’s good in my life are my children. They are the glue that holds everything together, they bring relevance to my marriage. But I am happy, at least in society’s books that are massed produced for everyone. I am successful.

How can I look forward to that mode of existence, he reflected.

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