I want to love you and treat you well. I want to build a home with you and start a family. I want to kiss all your troubles away and watch them dissipate like entropy. I want to be with you for a lifetime. I love you, you are my soul mate and in my heart I know I’ll never find better. You are my special gem, my Queen. You are my heart, the pulse of life that’s keeps me moving. You are my future, everything I yearn to be. You are my heaven, a place of bliss where everything makes sense. I love you. I know I am not perfect, I know I am heavily flawed but that’s why I need you, to make me better, to take care of me. I feel like Jerry Maguire, “you complete me”. You make me want to be a better person. You make me feel like I can fly. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I would go through hell to see you happy. I love you, let’s stay together.
When you have the one you love in your arms. Is there anything better? Like “look at what I’ve got.” Thank you God for this gift. I’ve been looking for her all my life. I love you so much. Please be with me a lifetime. Love is good when it’s just shared by two people. No one needs to know. No social media. No one needs to approve. No expectations from the outside world. Just us and our mutual understanding. Look what I’ve got in my arms.
If I could just see Faith just one last time. Yes, definitely in my top 5. I met her through a friend. Easily the greatest pass of all time. Thank you mpinch, I am eternally grateful. I really needed that pass. It was difficult with Faith. I never would have gotten that close to her without my boy. It was impossible. What made Faith a mission was the fact that she didn’t live in Gomora, she came here to visit her grandparents. She was a cheese-girl. She grew up here in Gomora and that’s how my boy knew her. When they were younger, they had this kids romance thing. I first saw Faith in 2010, I remember it was game day and Argentina was playing Nigeria. Argentina won courtesy of a Heinze header in the 6th minute. I wasn’t particularly impressed with that performance. Messi or Higuain didn’t score and I expected better. After the game I went out to get some air and there I saw her. It was as if time stopped for a while, everything proceeded in slow motion. It was like I was in a Scorsese movie looking at the girl of my dreams. She was absolutely perfect. She had a million dollar body. Great ass, good thigh to ass ratio. Flat stomach, she was fit like Serena Williams. Yellow bone in complexion. She had frickles on her face. That day she had just done her hair so she was brand new. She was a stunna! I remember looking at her and thinking “Nah, not today, Argentina had a bad game. Messi didn’t score. I can’t do anything today, I am useless”. Of course, I was rationalizing the whole situation. The truth is that heartburn set in and I didn’t think I’d be able to talk to her. What was I going to say to her? After that I always thought about her, thinking about how I missed a great chance and how I’d do anything for another chance. It was a while since I saw here again, I think I saw her again after a year. I was with my boy and it was like 8pm and we saw Faith walking with her friend. I flipped, I was like “Yoh mfana, here’s this girl again”. The showoff enquired “You mean her?” and I said “Yes, do you know her”. He said “Sure, follow me.” I couldn’t believe my luck. We approached the two girls and hey what do you know he did know her. We talked and we exchanged names. Mxit was a dying technology but I knew that I’d be able to get Faith’s number indirectly through that medium. So I asked and she gave it to me. I also asked her friends number for some diversion. The whole interaction needed to be neutral. I deleted the friends number when I got home and started work on Faith. We started chatting on Mxit and it was good for a while, so we took things to the next level and went to Whatsapp. I am really not a social media guy so it was all for her. I asked to see her in the flesh and I told her that I liked her and gradually things started happening. We spent a lot of time together when she came visiting. She made my heart beat like bass. We would go on dates. It was great. On the second date I screwed up, I don’t know why I did that. I kept talking about this girl I had a crush on in Primary who attended school with her. The girl I was referring to was a stunna and Faith knew her even though she down played it. Next thing I heard was how she didn’t like how I spoke because used a lot of “Tsotsi taal” in my language like “Why don’t you speak properly?”. I was confused but I realized I was trouble like “that’s how I talk, I can’t change”. She hinted I was too ghetto for her. She started drifting away from me. The more she pulled back, the more I advanced. It didn’t look good. I came across as needy and insecure. I ended up letting her go. Lesson learned never talk about another girl when you are with a prospective. It’s a simple one, I don’t know how I missed that one. I wanted to make her insecure, it backfired; a fools failed attempt. I did some Introspection. Man, Faith was great, she was beautiful, smart, had a great sense of humor, banging body and her laugh was incredible. She made me feel like Superman every time she laughed at my jokes. She was top quality.
I remember when I used to work in a call center. I hated it. It was the closest thing to slavery because I had to work 12 hours a day. Sure it was 3 days in and 3 days off but that didn’t bring me any solace – they still owned 3 days in my life, in essence they owed half of my life. But how I rationalized the whole thing was that I had to pay my fees at Varsity. See I was taking myself to school and I was focused and motivated. I had a vision. Get a job, go to school, get my degree and I am home free. Except that my arrangement wasn’t practical, I was constantly in bondage. I felt myself wither everyday. It was like I was asthmatic, I felt myself running out of air. I was cornered by everyone’s expectations. Luckily I had an escape. Her name was Kayla and she was my age. We were the youngest pair at the time. Well, technically I was the youngest because my birthday is later but she was born in the same year. Kayla was beautiful. Sure the call center had hot women but she was the hottest. She was colored, had kind eyes, slightly long hair and the most beautiful smile. She had a purity about her soul. She was radiating, almost mythical like a unicorn. She had the unique ability of charming you from a distance. You were just mesmerized by her beauty. She was soft-spoken and elegant. She was calm and reserved. She was a lady. A lot of the guys wanted her. Naturally after training, I took refuge next to her. We were supposed to pair up with experienced call center agents who would help us get settled in. Kayla herself was not that experienced, she had been working there for like 6 months. I chose the agent next to Kayla who had ample experience. I conveniently chose a counsel of women to take care of me. It was great. After a couple of weeks, I had learned everything. I took a phone right next to her. We were getting the same type of calls from customers from the same company so I thought she would be able to assist me, if I ran into some trouble. She was great, she always assisted me with a pure heart. Kayla was kind and loving. We started bonding. We shared dreams and she told me that she wanted to be a Air Hostess and travel the world in the process. I thought it was great, she had the perfect profile; beautiful, reassuring, right height, right age, good communication skills, she was perfect. We would talk all day when we were not on the phone. Me and her had a connection, we could just talk to each other and there wouldn’t be any judgments. We were emphatic towards one another. We had a mutual understanding. We liked one another. Somehow she made 12 hours seem like 9 hours, and that’s great, that’s something. People started noticing and jealously started catching on like wildfire. The older guys in the call center who were marking Kayla started being hostile towards me but it was okay, it was not under my control. Besides, I knew what it was about. I know why none of them never made progress with her. They were too aggressive and that made her defensive. Their offense game was weak. They pursued her like they were catching a train. Rapid and fast paced, there was no romance, it was a bet of who could land the hot new girl. She felt like prey, like a piece of meat, she felt objectified. None of them had a chance with her because they were too expedient. Of course, I didn’t have that problem, she liked me, a fact that made people envious. I loved the energy I got from everyone from being around her, you know, I was seen, not ignored, I was popular, cemented, legendary, I was alive and the attention validated my existence. It was not in a boastful way, it was just that, you know – natural. She was my girl. I wanted to help her get into Aviation school so I did everything I could on my side. I had websites, numbers and tuition costs and we discussed everything at great length. Nothing really crystallized but we were still really close. I had thoughts of taking her out. I looked at my budget and it really made me angry. I had to pay rent, tuition fees and buy food. The remainder of the money wasn’t enough for a good date. I also didn’t have a car so I had to think logistics. And I still couldn’t afford those Puma Ferrari shoes that I wanted. Everything compounded, I hated my job, I didn’t have time for my thoughts, school wasn’t fulfilling or challenging, I was a repressed creative, my landlord was a jerk and I couldn’t take out Kayla on a proper date. I was living what Robert Kiyosaki had warned me about, “the rat race”. This is not what Napoleon Hill taught me. I rationalized everything with school but it wasn’t enough of a motivation anymore. My reasoning was a trap. I was dying and I knew it. It was like suffocating or burning to death, it was horrific. I went for leave to really think things through and to just clear my mind. I decided; “fuck it, fuck everyone, this is my life and I’ll do what I want. I don’t need anyone’s permission to live my life. I won’t live my life with fear. Fuck Varsity, it’s trapping my life and my mind, I don’t need a piece of paper validating what I can do, I am limitless”. That’s the thing I hate about the world, we created constructs that constrict the mind from flourishing. I resigned and started doing things that I wanted like writing my screenplay, learning about Investing, starting businesses and reading books. When I left I was the best call center agent, my numbers were really good, the manager tried to get me to reconsider but it was impossible. I stopped listening to the outside world that day, I stopped trying to conform. It was the best decision of my life. 12 hours a day and I still couldn’t take Kayla out on a proper date. Why live with such lack? Surely that’s not what God intended for me.
A good friend of mine came to me because he needed some advice. I thought “Oh, okay”. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to assist because I am not the advice type. However, I am a good listener so I was pretty sure we could come up with a solution. To assist someone who needs advice, I often use the Socratic method, that is help using framing questions, this way you think that you came up with the situation on your own because you thought for yourself. It is effective because this way no judgments are cast and you don’t give awful advice. The truth is that we already know what to do and often times we just need validation from the outside world. The art of giving good advice is getting the other person to lay out all his cards and ask questions. This way the other person is reflective and your job is done. Don’t say what you think because that’s not what the other person needs, plus your judgment is flawed in any case because you are biased and are projecting – this is not about you.
I listened. He told me about how his in love with this girl whose with this other guy but it doesn’t really matter because the girl loves him and not the guy. A love triangle, I thought. He was in trouble because there’s a power struggle in this dynamic and only one person won, the one on the top. But I didn’t say this out loud, I just merely asked “How do you know that this girl loves you?”. He responded “I just know it. I see it in her eyes. We love each other, it’s always been that way. I retorted, “how do you know?”. Finally he responded “she told me so”. I shook my head not convinced. I then asked “how many years has she been with this guy?”. He responded “About 6 years”. I let that sink in a bit and there was silence for a bit. But in my mind I thought this is a irrevocable case and an attachment style has been established. His not just fighting a mutual understanding, his fighting routines and habits, poor fellow is deluded. He filled it up by saying “But it hasn’t been a smooth 6 years and they sometimes had bad fights and separated”, I responded “Everyone has a bad patch” and he countered “Yes, but not like this, he slapped her, he beats her and his a cheat”. I responded “Okay”. I continued “What do you think of doing?”. He responded “I want to get her”. I inquired “Why don’t you?”. He responded “Because of this guy”. Confused, I asked “Why? Do you know him?”. He responded, “Yes, his close”. And so I recapped his story for him like; “She loves you even though she’s still with her partner of 6 years. She’s the object of desire in this pyramid and everyone is familiar with one another?”. I stopped and the room was quiet for a while. Then he broke the silence and asked “Why doesn’t she leave him?” he was thoughtful. I remained quiet. He put me on the spot and asked what I’d do. I wanted to be neutral so I spoke about the other guy and how I respected his 6 years. To deflect the question I made a joke saying “Avoid stepping into a great man’s shoes”, that statement hit him like a snipper on the rooftop. Sorrowfully, he murmured “She’s not my girl”. I felt bad. I rolled a joint and we smoked. It was 6pm and the streets were flooded with people from work, it was peak time, prime time and Avanzas were filled to the brim on the Johnbrant street from Pan African Mall. We just sat by the side of the road and witnessed life, we were silent, we saw beautiful women walking, we saw girls who were too young but had a lot of potential, we saw children in their school uniforms walking home, we saw kids with their friends, we saw men in their overalls and boots who carried their lunch bags, just on the other street a couple of boys were playing soccer and there were roars of youthful energy, the atmosphere was vibey and busy, bells from cars and laughs from people was all we heard, cigarettes were selling like an IPO, it was beautiful and we both appreciated the scenery. Life was normal. Life was happy. Despite the cold truth, it was still a good day.
I am in love again and this time it’s real. Yes! I am excited. The last time I was in love, I was frustrated by it, I didn’t know what to do, I was overcome and overwhelmed with emotions I didn’t understand. I didn’t have control over my mind, I just felt so vulnerable and exposed. But this time, damn I could touch the sky. I could fly like Superman and tap dance on the moon. I feel lighter on my feet. Mr. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. She cast a spell on me, she bewitched me and I am okay with it. I am at ease with it. I am relieved, happy, and in love like a fool. Struck by Cupids multiple arrows. Hallucinating on a love trip that’s more potent than DMT, the spirit molecule. Thinking about her makes me creative, she is a great work of art. I am attracted to her like the opposite pole of a magnet. Animal magnetism, she reels me in like a fisherman and I am the fish hopelessly attached to the hook. I sometimes have nightmares about losing creativity but now I am saved, redeemed from my subconscious mind. She is my lifeboat, my life-saver. I now understand the concept of love. To show your scars and weaknesses and have somebody accept you for everything you are. To build a sustainable life and future with that person, to share your life, to grow old together, to plan, have children. It is liberating. It validates existence. It gives you peace. It is purpose. She is truly something special. Absolutely beautiful too. Great smile, it radiates and spreads all over existence like the sun’s rays. I realized that I was in love when I was in denial. I was terrified of my own feelings, terrified of what they meant. I tried to surpress this girl in my mind but she keeps popping up like a jack in the box. She roams around in my mind slowly and with great stealth like a thief in the night. She is always at the back of my mind like a shadow. I am so gone. I have no chance. I have no defense for her wit and overall personality. Like Usher, I am so caught up and these are my confessions. It’s been a long time coming, everyone cracks under sustained pressure. Man, I am in love with her, she treats me well. The energy is good and I am addicted to her like sugar, she gives me a rush! If I could, I would treat her well. My meaning in this world would be derived from that. After all, man has a subconscious urge to please woman, it’s in his DNA, it’s all he is. If a woman can’t motivate you, what can? In a cold world where nothing really matters and nobody really cares, she cares. She is warm and nourishing like body butter. That’s deep, like the dead sea salt in Israel, she exfoliates my soul, purifies my pores from within. I feel blessed. I am in love. In love with everything she is, I am infatuated. She is perfect. The best woman in the world. My African woman. Thinking about her makes me feel numb and carefree, like a sort of high you get from smoking chronic. I am not tripping, she is kind hearted, intelligent and special. She makes me feel at peace like graveyards in suburbs, she is my “Coco” the love of my life and I hope she always remembers me or my soul will perish forever. She is my medication, she makes me high of life, my chronic lady.
There’s a beauty in infatuations, they color in the world, they have the ability to put you in a dream-like trance, they can make you fly, they can make you touch the sky and they have the promise of making all of your dreams come true. What is it about love that makes people lose their minds? Is it oxytocin, the love chemical that fosters closer relations with people? Human beings are social beings by trait and we need validation of some sort to survive, to live, to thrive. Love is on the first level on the Maslow hierachy of needs. Then again, love also induces cordizol, the stress hormone for it can leave us anxious, stressed and utterly mortified. Which one is it? You know we get butterflies in our stomachs when we are in love. It sounds like a part of speech but it isn’t, you can literally feel them flapping their wings and flying all about in your stomach. It is a feeling that can make a statue out of you, one that mould you into a perfect sculpture or the perfect snowman because it makes you freeze. It is a wonderful, yet terrifying thing. Infatuations, love can make you feel vulnerable like a big bullseye sign in a dart competition, the soft spot, the flank – it has the capability of taking off your panties and laying you down, down into a deep abyss of apathy and helplessness. So what do you do? Do you sit on the sidelines or do you play ball? Do you tell the one that you love, your crush that you love her and that you can’t live without her?
Infatuations are a product of the mind. They are unconscious features that are repressed within you, your mind. A sort of transference and projection. The spirit or soul is boundless, it has no restrictions or demarcations, however society deems to assign it a role, a gender based on the reproductive organs of the body. So, we indoctrinate the soul into the customs of this specific gender. The other half of the soul we repress, relegate and surpress in the realm of the unconscious. By nature, the human soul is bisexuel. When we grow up, we subconsciously take and adopt desirable qualities or features from the parent inverse our gender. Meaning, that a boy is more likely to marry a girl who has the qualities of her mother and likewise with the girl. It is a subconscious phenomena and we do this because they feel familiar. Sigmund Freud, the godfather of psychology calls this the “Oedipus complex”. He states that the little boy is jealous of his father and wishes to possess his mother but is at the same time frightened of this rival and of castration as a punishment for his incestuous feelings toward the mother but nonetheless, he wishes death onto his father. I think it’s a bit extreme but it deserves a mention. It would also explain why sons are much closer to their mothers and why daughters are far more closer to their fathers. It could also be a Ying-yang thing. I like Carl Jung’s take on this with his work on the Anima and Animus. Carl Jung states that the Anima is the female side of the male that is repressed. And the Animus is the male side of the female that is repressed. According to this, we are likely to choose a partner based on our Anima and our Animus. Of course, parents play a big role in this decision because from a young age, as children that’s where they get their education. The individual bears within himself all kinds of opinions and feelings from his parents and ancestors, but which he believes to be his own. Nietzsche states; In the son becomes conviction what in the father was a lie. Not only fathers, but mothers also determine the conduct of the individual. Every person carries within a picture of women which he acquired from his mother. From this picture, he will be determined to respect or despise women or be indifferent toward them.
Based on this telling evidence, you are crazy, you are not normal. It’s all in your mind. You are suffering from a projection that is making you see things that are not there. You are implanting characteristics and traits to a receiver that is bound to reject them. Psychology tells us that man projects onto woman one of several ready-made pictures that he carries within him; the picture of the mere sexual object, of the femme fatal, of the muse, the virgin-mother, those belonging to what Jung latter called archetypes. The same goes for woman but with different archetypes like the woman to save him and the worshiping woman among others. You think she’s perfect because you don’t know anything about her. You know what your mind is telling you about her and your mind draws data from occurances that transpired or what feels familiar, safe or homely. They say that love is blind and that’s true because when you are in love, you are focused, your brain induces chemicals, your physiology reacts and your subconscious mind fools you. Thus being infatuated with a person is the biggest compliment you can pay. The conscious mind has very little control instead your shadow assumes control. Carl Jung describes the shadow as “The sum of those personal characteristics that the individual wishes to hide from others and from himself.” The shadow lurks in the subconscious and is operant when the conscious mind has lost all sight of reality. This makes sense because when you are infatuated with someone, all you do is think about them. You bill them up to more than they actually are. You see no imperfections and frailties, your reasoning capabilities are out of touch and you think they are the most wonderful person in the world! And maybe they are because truth is a subjective concept and you, well you are crazy but it’s alright.
Tell your crush you love them. This is a test, this is about you. By doing this, it will reveal things you didn’t know about yourself. It is an act that will make you courageous. It will empower you because this comes from your lens, your reality, your map of experience. It is personal and subjective and it will liberate your soul. You crush possess traits and characteristics that you love on a subconscious level, it is like holding a mirror to your soul. Take advantage of it, that’s the universal, God or whatever you believe in telling you to go for it – it is a map of experience that is specifically designed for you. It is an experience, a moment in this vast and expanding universe to know something of substance and value about yourself, your history and even your ancestry line. It is an opportunity to free apathy from your life. It is an opportunity to follow your dreams. It doesn’t matter how you do it, do what comes natural to you, do it so you maximize your returns. Write a poem, sing a song get your creative juices running. Be encouraged, be inspired – this is a big moment in your life. Sure, he/she might reject you and rightfully so because like we covered you are crazy but so is everyone else. This important feat is not about the response you’ll get, it’s about personal growth and self-gratification. It is about understanding of the self. Love is difficult, complicated, unreliable and unstable and you took a risk, you took a chance! Who knows maybe in a perfect world, the person of your affection will return your love. Maybe your life will be perfect. Isn’t it a chance you should take?
antakalipa 