Narcissist

On the square II: Dress Code script

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On the square II: Dress Code script

After “Dress Code” things went downsouth for me. It was the girls who kept me relevant for a month, they loved me. They made it hard for Daphne to get rid of me. They would always shower me with gifts, kisses and hugs. Honestly it was like heaven, I felt like I was floating walking on clouds, I was all soft inside, I was intoxicated by them, I was in awe of their talent, I loved them. I did everything above and beyond to please them, I treated them like royalty, like the stars they were, with reverence and awe. I executed every request with efficiency and care. The stage was spotless before the show and the mirrors reflected like diamonds. Cliff’s (Piano guy) water was iced and always on time and on queue before the show. I was professional, courteous, smelled good and dressed with real personality. I was the eye of God who kept watch over everything and addressed every significant or insignificant thing that had the power to affect the tone of the show. It was all about excellence. They were very happy with me. The girls flooded Daphne’s email with compliments about me, she was elated and she opened her purse for me. I accepted but it was never about the money. Quite clearly it was the girls who kept me in the theatre for that long, the staff at the theatre only needed someone to assist for 2-3 day’s tops. “Move in” day can be tough and time consuming as you welcome a new act to the theatre, sets need to be on the stage and it requires planning and thinking. There’s also the issue of the sound and lights, they need to be programmed to the system. Without the sound and lights, you don’t have a show. It’s just a casual job and the guys who help out do their two days and it’s done. A lot of the times the theatre uses young students who are keen to learn about theatre to help out. It’s a win for both sides, the student learns and gets practical and the theatre don’t have to pay for labor. That considered, I stayed for a month! I was also the usher for the girls show and generally everybody liked me and that’s the problem, I was magnetic, likeable and had a ton of charisma, illuminating the place and setting the mood for the show – I was too perfect. Inevitably envy and jealousy sets in and I became a target. Human nature and narcissistic tendencies, I refrained from responding and reacting, I observed like a bystander and was amused by the human condition. I knew what caused the hysteria, mainly that I was too amazing and I couldn’t help myself. I had no flaw, I came early for work, had a lot of enthusiasm, executed every task with perfection and everybody loved me. Around the 3rd week Daphne called me to her office and took my particulars. She asked what I was good at, education, skills and talents and so I shared. We talked for a while and she said she wished she had something for me. Her roster was full. I acknowledged but I was just there for the love. After that meeting I definitely felt the room getting smaller, it was like she was pushing me out but life went on and I got more  responsibilities. On the last day of “The Dress Code” as we were clearing the stage, I asked the director “Alan Swerdlow” for the script, I wanted it for it’s format, structure and I was really in love with the writing, it was witty, urban and well written. I also wanted to learn the skill of writing scripts for theatre. Alan liked my energy and appreciated everything I did for the girls, he gave it to me. After knockoff, Reginah from her car saw me from afar with the script and asked “Are you holding a script?”. I walked to her vehicle and replied “Yes”. She continued “You are not supposed to have that”, to which I replied “The director gave me the script”. She replied “No, you are not supposed to!”, I countered “But I want it”, I had the script in my hands. She started having a narcissistic fit and threw tantrums wanting to get out of the car. I watched her attempts to bully me off the script and I walked away from the scene with the script in hand. I left her shouting alone, she was wasting my time. It’s my fault, I encouraged her behavior hoping it would dissipate but she only got more controlling and overbearing, it was time for a receipt. As I was walking away, she shouted “Don’t come back on Tuesday”. It was the same Reginah who took 33% of my pay. She didn’t ask, she just took it in a power move. After “The Dress Code” Move In, Daphne delegated the task of paying me to her. She called me into a room, reached into her pocket and took out R300, gave me R200 and took the R100 stating that she needed it more and that she’d pay me back, she never did. I always resented that action, it was like she was entitled to my pay. I deserved the full R300! She didn’t ask me, if she had I would have given it to her, she took all the power away from me and took it! I judged her character that day and a receipt was definitely on the cards – she was going to respect me!

I defied her and came back on Tuesday. There was no way I was missing “Vincent’s” Move In. I wanted to help with the production, I had been anticipating it for quite some time and luckily, I still had Daphne, she was reasonable, she’d see things my way. When I got to the theatre Reginah isolated me from the team and instructed me to wait for Daphne so we can discuss this script issue. In an act of power, she brought in a student to take my place. Gaslighting, she was downplaying my importance to the theatre, communicating that I was inferior and disposable. I saw that for what it was – insecurity. Everybody loved me and it was warranted, I was a hard worker. I wasn’t concerned, I was fine with any outcome, I stood by my decision to walk away with the script that night, I simply wanted it more, if not for the content then the hopeful connections it had the power to grant me. Daphne came in and we discussed the case. Reginah presented her inaccurate version, filled with slander and smear campaigns in attempts to get me to react. It was just pure lies concocted by her imagination. She was vicious, disagreeable and incoherent, a blind man could see that she was attacking me. She wanted to control me so much that she lost control. I was calm. I presented my case and took responsibility for taking the script and as anticipated, Daphne understood. I went back to the team and helped with the production of “Vincent”, flirting with my female student replacement in the process. In no time my replacement was hooked and mesmerized by my aura. She too was on my side. This was definitely not in Reginah’s plans. I survived but hostilities were brewing. “Vincent” was a success and my replacement stopped coming to the theatre so I reigned. I understand human nature and I realize I was a missed hit, I know a target is still on my back, so I decided to leave on my own terms before things spiraled out of control, I’ll be back later, when things are calmer, when I am in control.

I came back 3 weeks later and everybody welcomed me back with open arms, the script issue was all in the past, they were just so happy to see me. It was the girls who kept me relevant for a month, they loved me and I love them forever.

The narcissist

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The narcissist

Mr. Center of attention, loud and space consumer, grounding other people’s participation like detention. Miss “its not my fault you’re so sensitive”. Like “I’m sorry, if you’re offended”. Keep your half baked apologies that are conditional like the weather. You ain’t never gonna change. You think you’re the axis and the world revolves around you. Mr. Monotonising the focus, expert manipulator stringing peoples emotions like Geppetto. You’re not the only real boy in this tale. Miss tantrums and ego trips, oblivious to how you make others feel. Flossing and bragging like you’re on MTV cribs. Mr. starting fights in the clubs and bruising ribs, spoiling the fun for everyone like a canceled trip. Mr ultrasensitive, Mr. know it all, volitile temper, everyone is always wrong and you’re the victim. The victim of circumstance, victim of ill treatment, victim of past experiences, victim of life, everyone hates you and you never asked for all of this – please, no one cares. Miss “I am prettier than her, I’d never wear that, and I only eat gourmet”. We see through your pretentious persona like transparent glass, disguised by your make-up and costumes like Kayfabe, life is not WWE or Keeping up with the Kardashians. Mr. Hogging all the spotlight like “Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé had one of the greatest videos of all time”. Miss always talking and never listens to anybody; so much for the two ears and one mouth. Mr. Maui, Demi-God of wind and sea, shape-shifting your way out of responsibility with your crooked hook; “what can I say, you’re welcome”. Miss big personality, Queen Bee, imposing your will on your workforce with an iron fist. Mr fabricator of stories that conveniently suit your narrative and expands your inflated ego. Miss control freak dictating everything like a beast. Mr. take credit for your ideas and work. Miss show off with no substance, empty as a tin can. Mr. Blame everyone else and point fingers only to disregard the 3 pointing back. Miss destroy your confidence and frame to gain advantage over your mind. Mr. & Miss deep rooted insecurities, chronic bullies, passive aggressive energy, no self-awareness, self absorbed, so whack.

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The Narcissist II: mine

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The narcissist II: mine

I ran into an old friend I used to attend school with. He was good, in great spirits, looked healthy but he wasn’t happy with how I looked. He said, “You are so thin, is that you? You are finished.” I replied “Yea, it is me.” I replied to his sentiment disregarding the content obviously happy to see him. We engaged in a bit of small talk until he came back to his main point “You are so thin, you are finished my brother”, we exchanged pleasantries and drifted off in different directions but his comments stayed with me. It was as if he were looking down on me, it was pity, a side of schadenfreude, he was in disbelief, I felt like a disgraced fallen soildier. A couple of days before, a friend told me I had lost weight and I agreed to his observations but I didn’t think it was that bad. You mean I put on weight just to lose it again? Plausible, I was stressed and neglecting my eating schedule. Did you hear the whispers? They say I am on drugs, nyaope. Oh no! But you don’t treat me like an addict, my skin is still glowing and your girl is still on my dick! So it must be slander, yet another dirty trick from the devil. It feels like I have tumbled to the bottom and no one respects me anymore. The latest comments got to me because it was an echo, one that was rampant because it was true and I knew it. I did lose weight. Things were not that good for me. I was broke. I was not happy. I suffered. Fighting for what I believed in and my dreams of the future has been hard. Would you believe in what you believed in even if you were the only one? It has been cold and I get no love from my immediate surroundings, just disappointments. Pangs of torment piecing through my skin on a daily signaling electrical currents to my brain to induce trauma and pain. It’s a recurring occurrence, people think they are superior to me because I am struggling to feed myself, some think they own me. It doesn’t help that I am sensitive, an empath, a magnet for narcissists. Lately it seems like they have the upper hand. They keep making proclamations like:

You are mine and I own you. I bought everything you eat and you swallow my essence. I am the reason you living a good life, I own you. Your friends loves me, your whole family, they all love me, what are you going to do, they all love me, I own you, you are mine. I own everything you see here including you, you are mine. I am the pulse that gives you life and I can make you flatline if I wanted to, I own you. Your hands behind your back, you are in bondage, to my whims, my needs and everything I desire because remember, I own you. You are mine to do what I like with. You may think you have rights but you are mine and I own you. Everything you touch, your clothes, the hair, the shoes, your happiness, all mine, I own you. Get that into your mind, you are nothing without me, I own you, I can make you suffer, I can make you cry, you are mine, I own you.

Nothing worthwhile comes easy so I thank you, I learned to rely on my own wits and less upon other people. I am better. I am stronger. I will fight ahead and when I win its going to be on my terms.

I am still here, the vision is still intact, I will bulk up weight, I am stronger and I will rule. Your victory was a fleeting experience, the War is mine. I play the long game and I always win. You are wrong. I never wavered, my eyes are still on the prize, you don’t own me. All the petty humiliations were child’s play. I shrugged off your insults like dirt on my shoulders. I forecasted all your conditions like the weather and so I was prepared. You couldn’t play me even if I were a piano. I saw your power plays and opted to stand idle. I’d rather be a spectator watching you make a fool of yourself. Give them the rope, they all hang themselves if it’s got leeway. I am a sentient being and freedom is a given. I’d rather be hungry and thin than succumb to your views about my life. I never listen to anything you say. I belong to God and I have the faith of a mustard seed. You might have the cards now, but the game goes on and the deck has to be reshuffled. An early lead doesn’t guarantee you the marathon win. I am not a title deed, I have never been yours even for a second. Your perceived superiority is all in your head. The Gaslighting won’t work, I know all the facts. You can never break me even if we were playing pool. Your worst nightmare is coming to fruition, I am everything you deemed and I don’t need you. My dreams are finally gaining traction and your perceived power waning. I am coming for everything and you will acknowledge me!

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I could be Hitler II

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I could be Hitler II

I could be Hitler. I just can’t help but to connect with him. I think Reading “Mein Kampf” has turned me into a Nazi, I partly agree with his observations and I like some of his ideas. He was idealistic and big picture oriented. The Halocaust was horrible and nothing like that should ever happen again but the Jews do control all the banks, major media companies and just about everything else. Yes, he is biased and hateful but his comments were not slanderous, instead they reflected reality – still do. Does that justify the Halocaust? No, but I understand. Granted if I were born in that era, I wouldn’t have a chance because I would be a “Negro” or “Kafir” to use his term and I would be cast in the same box as the Jew if not lower but what if I were a pure Aryan German? What if I were favored by Hitler and natural selection? What if I were chosen by the Fatherland? What if I were worthy? I imagine it would validate my whole existence.

Chances are I would have been a Nazi, I would have done it for Hitler, he had a magnetic personality and he was charismatic. He was supremely intelligent, passionate, creative and he had a lot of enthusiasm. The story of the growth of the party is amazing, how meticulous he was with the planning, the red color of the posters, the Swastika, the flags, the showmanship, holding meetings at night to lower resistance, deliberate flooding of the streets with blood red posters, the propaganda campaigns and getting the best speakers for the program. He started speaking to a crowd of less than 20 people and through relentless campaigning and hard work moved to venues that could accommodate thousands of people. It wasn’t like the party had ample capital, the party had no financial backing whatsoever, all the money for the posters came from the ticket sales they charged for the entrance. Hitlers magnetic personality attracted people to his ideas, he had a magnificent talent in public speaking and was the head of propaganda for his party. He saw things in colors, symbols, words, visuals and sound. He was sensitive and intuitive. He possessed great taste in all things culture. He was a great leader. I can’t help but to be drawn to Hitler, even before I read the book I was intrigued by him because I’ve always appreciated those creative qualities. I see myself in his ideas and so I can’t rule out genocide. So maybe I am a bad person. I also have evil intentions. I also want world domination and my driving motivation is to be the best. Through that motivation lines might be blurred and I might end up serving my ego leading to narcissistic tendencies. I might be insecure and want to assert my will on a unsuspecting host. I might instigate violence to further my course. I might engage in malevolent acts to prove a point. I don’t think I am better than Hitler, I could be Hitler – everything he possessed, I possess.

So maybe reading “Mein Kampf” is not such a good idea, it might turn you into a Nazi and you don’t want that! Nazis are ostracized by society. Still, I could be Hitler.

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I could be Hitler

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I could be Hitler.

Reading Mein Kampf and thinking “Adolf Hitler was not such a bad guy”, because now I hear his voice and his narrative. His interesting. Fine he is petty, small, hateful and has a distain for the Jews. I admit the hate propagated against the Jew is extraordinary. Still I understand. I am not making an excuse for what the Nazis did, the Halocaust was horrible! It is by far the greatest crime to humanity. But I could be Adolf Hitler, I am not better than Adolf Hitler. What if I was born into that time and surrounded by that culture. What if War was a reality and death around the corner? What if I served for my country and watched us sacumb on the final hurdle? What if we were humiliated by the allies and our comrades died for nothing? What if death and freedom weren’t intellectual concepts? I connect with Hitlers speech and tone throughout the first volume, he has a enthusiasm that is boundless and a attitude that is energetic. He is hopeful throughout the struggles, poverty, hunger, troubles, pains and uncertainty of the future, it is like he is chasing destiny. He is driven, he is passionate. He doesn’t have a victim-mentality. He is the change he wants to see. In his eyes, he serves something that is bigger than him – God. This makes him strong and durable, it makes him unstoppable! In the first War he gets blinded by tear gas and asks God to restore his eyesight so he can continue serving his will. When his eyesight is restored, he takes that as a sign, maybe he is the one. Let’s not forget that he served on the first guard, witnessing his fellow comrades die was the norm, he enlisted with a lot of men who never lived to tell their story. He escaped bullets and death daily fighting for his love – the Fatherland, you cannot deny his love for Germany.

I could be Hitler, he was open-minded, artistic and creative. The Swastika was his idea, the graphics, the color, what it mean’t and what it stood for. He loved art and he was a painter. Architecture was his passion and he had a talent in public speaking. Everything about that connects to me, I feel it, I understand, I am all of that! I could be Hitler, I want power, I want to be worshipped, I want control, I want to dominate people’s will, it would validate my existence and make me feel good. I know I am narcissistic, name one person who isn’t. The content he has brought in the world by being Adolf Hitler is amazing, his life was meaningful. History is fed with Hitler stories and all the lessons, history will forever remember Adolf Hitler. Adolf Hitler was all of humanity’s shadow manifested on a grand stage with high stakes. He was right, he was the chosen one and God’s hand was active. Even the malevolence, death and destruction was a part of the grand plan for humanity like Noah with his ark. Hitler is Jesus with flawed morality and deadly biases. Still, I could be Hitler, I have a lot of ideas on how we can create the perfect German whose athletic and has blue eyes. I have ideas on how we can create the perfect propaganda campaign and my Gas Chambers would fit in more Jews. I too could easily put to sleep permanently the disabled – they serve no utility to Germany. Germany loves Hitler, they are proud of him to this day, he is their icon like Nelson Mandela, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. I could be Hitler, I am not pure. I am dangerous, unpredictable and have what it takes to kill in cold blood. I can distance myself from situations and so genocide wouldn’t give me sleepless nights. I am a human being and I am heavily flawed, I am grandiose, egotistical, repressed, I don’t trust easily, I get jealous, I get insecure, I feel hate and anger – who knows what might happen?

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Stephanie McMahon slap post

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Stephenie McMahon slap post

Renee Decarte argued the essence of being exists in two realms, the spiritual which can be interpreted as the subconscious and the physical and I think he makes a very compelling point. I mean look at nature for example, it just is. If I were a Lion I’d be the most conscientious Lion ever or at least a creative Lion working at a circus or something because my spirit is creative, that is who and what I am, a God, a creator. Beauty is generally the seducer of men so when someone falls in love with your spirit that’s different, that’s special because like Freud said, everyone is a narcissist. That’s why you gotta slap a bitch sometimes to deliver some consciousness, shout out Stephanie McMahon the hottest in the game with that swing game. When someone falls in love with your spirit, that person sees the possibilities of your dreams that you no longer see because you have been narrowed and hardened by the environment that you occupy and society. When someone loves your spirit, that person sees you in a light that you will never see yourself. You need to selfishly keep that person in your life for as long as possible. That person will help you experience being and being requires becoming.

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Supply

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Supply

You are so great. You are so beautiful. You are the love of my life. I can’t live without you. You are my world. You are my everything. You are my rock. You are my champion. I am proud to have you as my man. You are handsome. You are the best lover I have ever had in my life. You are my first. I never want to experience life without you. You make me happy. You are a good person. I would die without you. You are once in a lifetime. I am nothing without you. You bring me peace. You have great charisma. You are my home. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. You changed my life. You are so intelligent. I am grateful to have you in my life. I appreciate you. I worship you. You are charming. I love you so much. Being in your presence is an honor. No one is like you. You are the best. You are special. You are the greatest of all time. You have a great sense of humor. You are the sexiest woman alive. You have a banging body. Have you been working out? I love your abs and defined biceps. You are perfection personified. You deserve your wealth. Any woman is lucky to have you. You have a great ass. I love your fashion sense. You have a pleasing personality. You are successful. You have a great smile. You are the smartest person I know. You are my best friend. You have a pure heart. You saved me. You are full of passion. You are the perfect gentleman. You are the hardest working person in the room. You are a classy lady. You are kind and considerate. You bring joy to my life. You have a great entrepreneurial drive. You go all night. You make me orgasm. You are a sex God!

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Cognitive Dissonance

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Cognitive Dissonance

I remember when a friend of mine had some news he wanted to tell his inner circle. He decided to start a business and the responses were overwhelmingly positive except for one comment. It wasn’t that bad but it was disguised, sly, hidden and subtle. The comment was “Well done, hopefully you’ll make some money”. I felt it was in bad taste because he implied that he was doing this for the money. He shifted the focus of the news of starting the business to making money.

The comment was passive aggressive. That is what cognitive dissonance is about. Saying one thing and doing another. It is poisonous praise. It is being conflicted, it is being split into two, it is confusing, it is inconsistent. Like God loving us and sending us to hell. What a suspect anology Christianity.

I think that passive aggressive language and behavior works so much because it is indirect and leaves much to the imagination. Being passive aggressive is popular today. Like that one person who always comes late for meetings and always apologizes, like “alright man we get it, you superior to all of us”. Or that one guy who takes an eternity to respond to your texts despite the fact that his been online all day, we see the power play my man.

Deep narcissists are masters of passive aggressive behavior. They want to keep you dependent on them. They are deluded because we always see what they are doing. They think they are clever and slick but we see. Everyone knows a deep narcissist.

Carl Jung has taught me to accept people as they are, accept them as facts, don’t take things personally because we are all repressed and we tend to project on to people a lot. We also have shadows and biases. Being a human being is hard work.

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What do people want?

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What do people want?

Steve Jobs once said “the customer doesn’t know what he wants until you show it to him”. His point was that you must create a need and simultaneously fill it. The sentiment that no one really knows anything has been around for millennia. Nassim Taleb explores thoroughly this on his book “The black swan”, which I highly recommend. The book explores unpredictability, once off events and biases. The internet for example is a black swan event because no one could have predicted it prior to the 20th century. The Covid pandemic is another black swan event, nothing like this has ever happened before, it literally stopped life! We didn’t know what to do or how to react.
If you had asked people in Henry Fords time what they wanted, they would have replied a faster horse. How about a horse that won’t die if you don’t feed it or leave it out in the cold? This is the genius of the automobile.
To know what people want is to know what you want. I want a great product or service that will serve my needs. I want great customer service. I want ease of use and I want convenience. I want service, care and respect. If you can fill those needs, I am a customer. A big innovation might make your offering popular but what I listed are the fundamentals. If you can do the fundamentals really well, you can attract a lot of customers. This doesn’t require market research. Of course, I am governed by biaes and they dictate my life but human nature still rules. If you can understand people’s motivations, that is, people are narcissists and think the world revolves around them, you will do well in business. Cater to the narcissist in the best way possible, this is a psychological urge everyone yearns for – “Just make me feel special, that’s all I want. Make me feel good!”, that is what people want.

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