In the realm of celebrity, everything is bigger here, the tabs are bigger, holes deeper and the feeling of imposter syndrome realer. You thought money was going to solve everything only to realize it doesn’t solve anything. You worked your whole life chasing a fleeting experience, numbness and cocaine now your daily experience, cause you are alone despite the millions of followers, money stacked high but you have never felt lower. Operating in the realm of celebrity, I always thought being with the stars will enhance my shine, reality is the rot aches like a tooth cavity. The 15 minutes is actually 5, how’s that for brevity? Everyone wants to be famous, everyone wants to be a celebrity. In the realm of celebrity, the stars are just like me, insecure and sensitive not knowing who to be. Expectations and blurred lines hindering who they should be. I will buy that Sportscar, even though it’s not me. Celebrity, celebrity, I thought with my stock high, I’d defy gravity, yes I am floating in the sky in all levity, but I am also empty lacking capacity. In the realm of celebrity, reality is a hoax enhanced by the lights, the friends are actually enemies who are eager for a fight, awaiting for an opportunity to dim out your sight. Celebrity, celebrity, it’s not how it’s advertised. You a slave to the market and money has you hypnotized. Surrounded by celebrities, I thought the feeling would be different but it’s all the same. They should have all the power but they are toothless and tame. Some are struggling to pay rent, living with friends to hide the shame. Some are broken and beat down, maybe it’s the fame. Celebrity, celebrity, got me feeling like Pinocchio, living in a fabricated world and I just want to be a real boy.
I had a date with destiny. She was everything I thought I wanted. She was prosperous and promised to share her riches with me. She was gorgeous with her make-up on and towering heels. She resembled a Mac advertisement like Pearl Thusi. Damn! I was star struck, lights were flickering all about, it was like a dream and I was unconscious, locked in a trance of Gucci patterns and colors. She was glorious. I was impressed but that was not enough for her. To grant my hearts desires I had to give her my soul. To relinquish control of my core beliefs and values. She wanted my blood on the contract. It was a big test for me. Do I give in and get lost in the magic maze? Or do I stay put and believe in my process and believe that time will prove me right? I’ve been hungry all my life, starved to the bone, dreaming, contemplating about forever and her role in my life. I come from a place of broken dreams, Alex, the hood, a place where dreams die. There’s a reason it’s called Gomorrah, it’s biblical, because it can be hell. Will Sandton City save me with her designer dress and Louis Vuitton handbag? Am I willing to recede into the darkness with her? I have been broke for so long that I feel like a virgin. Do I trust her? She wants too much, I can’t. I will not bend to her rules, her conventions of passivity. She wants to dominate and make all the decisions for me. While life is a stage, I am not a puppet stringed along by a puppeteer. Unfortunately, this is not a Charlie Kaufman movie, this is my life and I am the lead, the star. Maybe if she encouraged growth and freewill. For goodness sakes I am life, a miracle; I sometimes wonder how am I conscious, who are you to want to control that? God? I wish she loved me for who I am. That’s a big frailty in the psychology of man, the tendency to want to be loved and accepted for our intrinsic qualities even though life is subjective and relative. The nerve, we truly are narcissistic creatures. Still, I thought you’d be the one to stroke my ego. It’s a tragedy that life never unfolds the way we want it to. I couldn’t take your offer I am sorry. I am better than this. I am not someone you can ground. I vibrate on a higher frequency. I am too opinionated and yes, I am a “Mr. Know it all” who thinks he knows it all. I won’t apologize for being an individual. I won’t apologize for thinking for myself. I see the world through my lens and don’t seek confirmation from anyone. Do I have a problem with authority? Yes, and I am an egotistical narcissist who has grand visions about his future. That I say with pride. And maybe I am deluded but you can’t bring me down with your domineering and condescending words. You cannot validate who I am, that’s my job. I am too dimensional. I am too great. I emit an energy that’s commanding and my presence is felt like acid to the burning flesh. I am fire, a phenomenon you can’t keep your eyes off. I am exciting like the first day of the new year, I represent great prospects. I am overwhelming like running water in a glass. I am the best. Keep your promises of grandeur, I don’t worship false prophets. I create my own destiny, play the cards that I deal and dominate the world I walk on. While it’s true that I am too hungry, I won’t just eat anything. I am too finicky like a rich housewife better yet a Duchess, a Princess in the upper echelon of the aristocratic circle and so, I never settle. I know my worth. I know where I want to be. It will only take a moment for everything to change. I want it, the winning shot, the headlines, my name in lights, the glory! I will wait for my break, it’s coming.
antakalipa 