At the Market Theatre for the opening of Inua Ellam’sĀ Barbershop Chronicles. I postponed releasing this because the show centers a lot around a very painful memory. The UEFA Champions League semi-final against Chelsea. A tie Chelsea won by deploying negative tactics, a low block, parking the bus at the Camp Nou and countering with a last minute Fernando Torres goal. The cast of the show are having a lot of fun with that result, a lot of these barbers around the world are Chelsea fans. I am very much a Barcelona fan.
The play chronicles six different barbershops scattered across London and various African cities: including Lagos, Johannesburg, Harare, Kampala, and Accra. The whole story unfolds over the course of a single day, though in different times and places, giving a sweeping, episodic sense of lives, connections and conversations across the diaspora. The play covers themes of black masculinity, identity, fatherhood, absent fathers, intergenerational relationships, community, belonging, vulnerability and healing. The performers have soul and personality. They are authentic and lively, they are humorous, they have quirks. The show has a lot of energy and enthusiasm but also emotional and intimate. There’s even singing and choreographed dancing – a truly spectacular show! It evokes feelings of nostalgia, it’s familiar in every timezone. I loved visiting Lagos, Abongile Matyutyu is an unbelievable actor! So happy and relieved when his customer came back late to pay him for the haircut. Everyone is awesome!
FC Barcelona is more than just a club, it’s a way of life. It’s serious, philosophical, it teaches one how to live, it is life itself. There’s principles, philosophies and values we adhere to. We prize commitment and development above everything else. We work hard with humility. FC Barcelona represents a whole nation of people. FC Barcelona play for the freedom of the Catalan people. It’s about pride and dignity. It’s about playing beautiful football, we never play ugly that would defy the core of our identity. At Barcelona we’d rather lose and get relegated than play unappealing football. To be apart of Barca is to be a winner, unashamedly so too! We have structures in place, we are governed by a culture that reinforces that winning mentality. We are the best team in the world. At Barca we incubate talent and prize human relationships above all. We plan for the long haul, we make sacrifices to be the best. At Barca, we are consistent, we are relentless, we provide a blueprint on how to play the beautiful game. Joan Laporta is more of my president than Cyril Ramaphosa because unlike Cyril, he cares. At Barca we follow the principles and blueprints outlined by Johan Cruyff, we love him, he is our Godfather. We revere Pep Guardiola, Luis Enrique & Frank Rijkaard. At Barca we worship Lionel Messi, the greatest soccer player in the history of the game. We created him at our farmhouse but the rest of the world call it La Masia. In addition to creating the greatest football player ever, we produced Spain’s most decorated player Andres Iniesta, the greatest midfield player Spain has ever seen Xavi Hernandes and the greatest pivot of all time Sergio Busquets. The trio are considered to be the greatest midfield trio in football period! We also produced Puyol, Pique, Cesc Fabregas, Victor Valdes, Pedro Rodrigues and countless other superstars. We were able to do this because we see the bigger picture. We still doing it today with Balde, Gavi, Pedri and Ansu Fati. We will continue doing so because we have vision, we see into the future. We hone talents, create an environment that is optimal for our talents and ensure that they are happy with the confines of our systems. At Barca, discipline and effort is paramount, you play for the badge, you sacrifice yourself for the team, you die for the team. At Barca, there are no egos, you keep your head down, stick to the task at hand, do your job and celebrate the teams goals regardless of whether you are in the starting 11 or the sidelines. Failure to celebrate the teams goals will lead to a transfer away from Barca, this is non-negotiable, we celebrate together, we are a unit. There are no superstars at Barca, this is not the Galaticos of Real Madrid, everyone is equal under the scrutinizing eye of the badge. At Barca we are professional, humility reigns, no coming with your Ferrari to practice Ibrahimovic! Barca is more than a club, it’s a way of life. Dedication, commitment, hard work, sacrifice, humility and winning are at the core of our DNA.
I remember when I was young and depressed seeking an escape from the world. My life was dull and lathagic lacking any color. There was no focus to my lense and hence nothing to capture. Brain dead, I switched on the television set and a game was on. I had nothing to do and so I watched. The team with the red and blue colors played exquisite football. It was moving around in trigonometric patterns and sequences around the field. It was shared and distributed all around the field, it was one touch football. They kept the zones small and the opponents chased ceaselessly after the ball with no avail. The crowd was in awe and offered their appreciation for this type of football, they applauded, it was heaven, it was beautiful, they scored a lot of goals. The players had grace, they had elegance, they had a swagger and an arrogance. They had complete autonomy, almost like they didn’t have set positions, every role was interchangeable and vacated as the moment demanded. It was chaos and opponents didn’t have a reply, everything about that play defied structures and systems. It was a marvel to watch, the players on my screen turned the commentators into poets. I watched poetry unrevel right before my eyes and the commentators captured the magic of the moment. I fell in love, with the colors, the badge, the flags, the stadium and everything about that world. The red and blue hue spread out from my television set into my life to give it some color. From the seeds everything metastasized and blossomed into rich colors. The red and blue team saved my life.
Chelsea will always be the club that I dispise. From my roots in England, Manchester United, you have always given me a tough time. Thank God for Cristiano Ronaldo, he is our “Magnifico” like Bruno Fernandes. He won us UEFA with his towering header. Sure Lampard equalized and sent the game to extra-time but we landed the first blow. It showed intent. Sir Alex Ferguson our leader. He gave us great moments, season after season, we won the trophies. Our worst seasons were always the seasons we finished 2nd, worse case scenario 3rd, so okay, that’s fine, we’ll go at it again the next season. That’s the lose I want in my life, Fergusons’ lose.
My story doesn’t only come from Manchester, my Chelsea story has its roots in Barcelona. From the Champions league 2009 semi-final in Samford Bridge, thank God for Iniesta, he won us the whole tournament. The semi-final was hard but we just needed 1 goal because the game ended scoreless at the Camp Nou. We got it in the 94th minute, with virtually the last kick of the game, I will never forget that day. Iniesta saved my life. Assist from Messi, who else? We won all 6 trophies, well done to Pep Guardiola for achieving that impossible feat. Puyol as our leader, the last pure defender. I will never forgive Chelsea for what happened in 2012 though. Such negative tactics at the Camp Nou. If we had scored that penalty, we would have been free. How can you miss that penalty Messi? But okay, it wasn’t our day. The last memory I have of that game is Fernando Torres rounding off Victor Valdes. It breaks my heart, I wish I could change it. We deserved so much better. We were by far better than Chelsea. We had the best chances but somehow they won. I knew Chelsea would win the Champions league that year even against the Germans in their stadium, the Allianz Areana. I mean Arjen Robben got his penalty saved by Peter Ceche. A whole great Arjen Robben, before that in the semi-finals Messi missed. This was Chelsea’s competition to lose and they didnt. I will always hate Chelsea for winning that tournament that year because they deployed negative tactics. They parked the bus and we couldn’t get through. We tried everything. We had Cristian Tello, Isaac Cuenca, Messi, Xavi, Iniesta and Cesc Fabregas and we couldn’t get that illusive third goal, we almost did, but we couldn’t. The Germans also didn’t have an answer for Chelsea’s negative bus parking tactics and worse they played that final in their own Stadium. Chelsea not only frustrated the Bayern Munich team, they frustrated the fans in the stadium and everyone watching around the world. Pep Guardiola announced that he was leaving Barcelona that week after the defeat. It was the worst week of my life and I credit Chelsea Football Club.
My time is too valuable. That happens when you have got too much quality. Did you check with my assistant?
I am Shrek, you gotta go through onion layers to get to me. It’s just business, go through my hourly rates. I’ve got other clients, make your reservations before I close the gates.
What can I say? I am highly coveted like Messi’s contract, that’s half a Bill. I’ve been going over everything like road kill.
The most talented. Appearing on every screen like it’s vented. Style so landlord like it’s rented. Demented, smashing all entry points like it’s molested.
My time is too valuable. Don’t waste my time. Let’s stick to the task at hand. Buy land, think long.
That’s how you get my attention. I don’t care about the hours bulletin. I dominate getting money like a bad sin. Next of kin, my boy, take notes.
Study the greats, choose your thoughts and create your destiny. Friends are overrated, get money and pussy and stay motivated. Family complicated, I still don’t give a shit like it’s constipated.
My time is too valuable. What do you have for me? What are your skills? What can you create? What have you done?
Show me your team. You know it’s all about the money like cream.
My time is too valuable. That’s happens when you have got too much quality.
Another Leo Messi moment, yes, of course, the best, steaming with the hottest lines like a train. Most gigs, more appearances, most consistent, most charisma, Sigma, Mr. Greatest in the world. No one is at my level, Leo Messi under Pep Guardiola.
Can you believe what Pep had at Barca? A young Messi who is eager to prove his worth, a young Iniesta who was dubbed a future Spanish great, the great Maestro Xavi Hernandes, African Great Yaya Toure, Africa’s top goalscorer of all time Samuel Eto’o, Mexican legend Rafael Marques, Sergio Busquets – his (Pep) successor, French World Cup winning forward, a man who has a statue in London, Arsenal – Thierry Henry, one of Africa’s greatest central defending midfielders Keita and my great captain Carles Puyol. Cancer survivor Eric Abidal came back to start in the Champions League final against Manchester United at Wembley, a game FC Barcelona won 3-1; The team captain Carles Puyol gave him the armband to lift the prestigious trophy, he was an inspiration to all. All Pep had to do was buy Dani Alves from Seville and Gerard Pique from Manchester United and win everything. He had La Masia too and it produced gold with Pedro Rodrigues, in 2010 he became the first player ever to score in all 6 tournaments Barca contested in, it was a clean sweep with every award and trophy going in the Catalan cabinet. It was magical and he had that special touch with the players, he could motivate them, they played at an exceptional level. Barcelona won all 6 trophies avaliable that year in Pep’s first year at the high level. 6 trophies is better than a treble. Pep was announced as the best manager in the world. His Barcelona team regarded as the best team ever to have kicked a ball. Messi was at the center of everything. Most goals, most assists, most records, most everything and that year he won the Ballon D’Or with the highest rate ever, it wasn’t even a debate – Messi is the best.
I was chilling with acquaintances and I rolled a joint. I thought it was a good joint, not great but just meh. But then I got feedback from the Universe and it was outstanding, greatest ever, yah, fuck yal niggas, what you gonna do nigga? I got guns, I am Sosa on Steriods, hyper like Cocaine; DMT, Psilocybin Mushrooms, LSD, Ayahuasca, substances that construct your perceptions and senses. Priming you towards destiny. Open your mind, shine the light on the dark corners of the subconscious, expand your horizon like landscape. It’s clear I have become a legend. Little steps son, let’s keep moving forward, let’s evolve and be like them but in moderation. A mirror stuns. That’s how we will make it. Choose how you conduct yourself. Be encouraged and never lose faith, you’ll make it through alright, this is just an illusion, a program pragrammed into the deep recess of your subconscious mind that is programmed by the unconscious, in order words D10s, Argentinas number 10, the greatest of all time, dominating everything as usual, the contract is half a Bill, and is crippling Barca, they lucky I didn’t charge them more. La Liga in trouble too. No one man should have all that power. But I am not doing this for the money. I just made the right decisions, the pandemic was never supposed to disadvange rich people. I’m set for life. what you gon do, I’m the rarest species around – one, Winning Ballon D’Ors is easy but stay off my lawn, I will fuck you up real good, Tsek! The greatest of all time, you can’t tell me nothing son. Most goals, most assists, most free-kick goals, most golden boots, most player of the year awards, most ballon do’rs, most hoes, whatever dog, don’t waste my time, no one is at my level. It was a good joint, everybody loved it. Thank you Universe for that beautiful moment, I keep winning, small steps produce great results, advance like Super Mario on Nintendo, to the next level, incremental progress leads to your goals and dreams, make the right choices and sacrifice the right pawns, use the flanks, they exploit your opponents weaknesses and finesse with conviction. Take precautions where necessary, let’s have courtesy and be professional, let’s not waste each other’s time. “How much for your Soul Anna?”. Tell me what’s your price. This is another great post, brought to you by the Leo Messi of content.
I have added a couple of things to my list of accomplishments in 2022. This time it’s more holistic in terms of my artistic endeavors. Like I said, great quality content with great backing will get you to great places. That’s what I am always doing, so I need to add everything up and make this great product. A product that people everywhere consume, every day, every month, every year and decade after decade. Damn! I could taste the glory. Everything you touch falls to aches. Mr. Invincible. Valuable. In disposable. Leo Messi style, I am the whole institution. Game after game, I give them what they want. Assist or goal. What do you want? Free kicks? Don’t worry, I got that too. For years, I have scored more free kicks goals than everybody, I am one of the greatest setpiece takers of all time. 7 Ballon D’ors, more than anyone. 6 European Golden Boots more than anyone. The only football player to win the Laureus best sportsman award. The only player who has outscored Pele for one club. The man with the most goals in a calendar year, 91, the player with the most trophies and many other countless impossible records and achievements. Leo Messi, a great man.
The Universe said let’s put some money in your account, it’s a professy, I am at the beginning of forever. Let’s see what we can do. The most important thing is collaboration. Find common ground and move forward. First Principle thinking, breaking everything to its single unit, it’s fundamental underlying property, and seeing where you can make alterations or innovate. Think outside the box. Take your time. Create combinations. Be crazy, have fun, soar with grace like an eagle in the sky. She said, she’s tired of being in a relationship where she doesn’t benefit anything. Oh, oh! She’s not the only one. I am in a tight situation. I need Leo Messi content to save me. She’s right, of course she’s right. I’ve been starting businesses left, right and center. My latest endeavor is always the one that is supposed to start things for me, to launch me outta space like a spaceship. Instead it’s just like all the others. The exciting thing about potential is that it’s not fulfilled. The narrative from the outside world is that I’ve reached my peak and I am slowly declining off the top. That’s not even minutely true. I am honing my skills. I am getting better everyday. In fact, I’ve haven’t even started yet; I am a long way from the start. The idea of quick success is ingrained in people’s minds. The plan I have for us is for the long haul. I want you to be my Queen for a lifetime. I want you to be with me until my soul finds another host. So you can never bail out on me. I love you. I need your energy. We have done exceedingly well in the past years, let’s keep moving forward. I know it’s difficult but the alternative is that you settle and if that’s the case, I wish you well. My logic is undeniable, get super smart and super rich. Because if I build myself and learn skills, no one can ever take that away from me, from us. I understand the frustration, no dates and I’ve been so distant, ghosting you like you don’t exist. I am wrong, I am sorry. I can do better and I will, granted you let things unravel. I need to better manage my time. I have been too inefficient. Not deploying the right resources to the task. I screwed up. I need you, that’s why I came home, to you. I never wanted another girl to know something about me that you don’t know. I will never let you down, not in the long run, not when it matters most. You mean the world to me, everything I do, I do because of a grand vision I have for our lives. If you are patient for a while longer, the wait will be worth it. Please stay, but if you leave I understand. A girl who can’t say “no” is doomed in this world we live in. Nothing is ever guaranteed except death and time ticking like a bomb. Life is hard and difficult, do you have the enthusiasm to stay on the frequency of your dreams? Are you cheerful in the face of adversity? Do you care? Are you loved? Can you push through it all and stand on the podium, a place designated for winners. Is your mentality strong enough to warrant a mention? Do you have the stamina and work ethic to see it through? Are you the woman for me? Only time will tell.
Why don’t you just get a job? Lol hilarious, I am the guy who creates jobs. Besides, get a job in the Era of Artificial Intelligence? That’s awful advice. What are you like 60? Everything is being automated. The real question is, what are you automating? I am a God. People are quick to lose faith. This is the process, I am building a life. I am already winning. I am already the one, I am already the hero, the future is already secured. I am already at Leo Messi level, I already produce great moments game after game, I am already the most consistent, I am already wealthy, I already have the best charisma and I already have everything! The money is just lagging behind like an oscillator but the signal is to buy and put everything on antakalipa, he is a billion beggar; the Lionel Messi of content.
We had three official games against Norkem High in our first season and we lost all three. The first game was a Friendly and it’s understandable because we were starting out and didn’t know the boys all that well. We had more than 50 boys who wanted to be in the team so it was difficult for me and Kay. To be fair though we had the game under control, we were better than Norkem in terms of game play and individual players, we just didn’t have a good goalkeeper. Our goalkeeper (Sakhe) drank us that day. On the touchline, Kay was telling me about some kid who was a goalkeeper who came to training the previous week who was a great goalkeeper. We both agreed that we needed to convince him to come back asap. But that was a plan for tomorrow, right now we were trailing Norkem. We managed to come back and made the game 4-4, but in the last moment of the game Sakhe conceded a stupid goal. Final score 5-4, but we consoled the boys and told them it’s a draw. It wasn’t Sakhes fault that we lost, in truth our defense was weak and Sakhe just carried the burden because he was the last man. Everybody liked Sakhe, he had enthusiasm and his energy was positive, he was always laughing and he loved soccer. He also attended every practice session, his will was just to get better and he did. In the end he became a very good goalkeeper. The Sir. Pierre game was the easiest game ever. We dominated the game and led the game 3-0. How the game finished 3-3, I don’t know. It still puzzles me. Literally Sir. Pierre attacked 3 times and they scored 3 times. They scored the most stupid goals ever. True we substituted a couple of players to give others game time and to inspect other players, but the changes were strategic. Sakhe is the reason we drew that game, he made two horrendous mistakes. I think he was just nervous, he fumbled and missed the ball. After the second error, Mr. Dzumba lost his mind and went over my head to substitute Sakhe. Anything and anyone was better than Sakhe! But his replacement Freedom, was worse than Sakhe. A couple of minutes later, Freedom made the biggest error of the game, his error was worse, the dumbest goal you will ever see in your life, everything was under control and the ball came to him, it wasn’t a shot, just a misplaced pass from the other team, all he had to do was just to control the ball with his legs, he missed it, no first touch whatsoever, the ball went beneath his elevated foot. Just like that the game finished 3-3. Me and Kay were devastated. Later that night FC Barcelona got eliminated out of the Champions League semi-finals by a bus parking Chelsea at the Nou Camp. Messi missed a penalty that could have taken us to the finals – it was a bad day. We finished 3rd that season.
The next year and the boys were now U15’s. By now we knew our team. This year we were stronger, we had a new goalkeeper and several new players who strengthened our defense and midfield. This was the year, I didn’t think we’d lose. We were strong. First game was against Germiston and the game was evenly contested. The game was tactical and physical. 2-2 the game finished, it was a fair result. Mr. Pitseng was the new U14 coach for the new Grade 8s and they lost 5-0 to Germiston. The morale of the boys was low and some boys stopped coming to training. We won our next game, while the U14s lost their second consecutive 5-0 game, this time at home. It was bad. The U14s had exactly 13 players in their whole team. They had no confidence, the morale was low and a couple of players in that 13 were considering quitting. I talked to Kay that it was better if we took over, he agreed. This was better for the school and the boys. Mr. Pitseng just didn’t have the time to coach these boys. I talked to Mr. Pitseng and he was relieved, he was happy to give me the team. He gave me all the boys papers and information. He gave me the keys to his classroom and offered his support if we ever needed it. Now me and Kay were coaching two teams. Me and Kay agreed that the U15’s were now in free flow. They had a routine, the players knew each other, the chemistry was great, we had instilled a work ethic and they were motivated. They were okay, they didn’t need much coaching. All they needed was supervision and I monitored that. The big challenge now was with the new U14 team. They had no confidence and from an initial 13 from the previous match day, there were now 8 boys. Me and Kay saw the challenge and we knew it would be a difficult task. We started rebuilding the team. We recruited back the players who had showed an interest on breaks. The numbers in training started improving. Kay recruited Sakhe from the U15 team, it was legal, Sakhes birthday was in December and he was now a better goalkeeper, he had experience. It was much needed for him too, the U15 team had a new goalkeeper and he (Sakhe) was destined to be on the bench. We called Sakhe to the U14 team because we liked him. From 8 players, we now had 24 players. The morale was good. Me and Kay handled the two teams exceptionally well. The first win for the U14s was so great, they were so happy, we were happy and Mr. Pitseng was also elated. The U15’s were now a winning machine. That season with the U15’s we finished the season undefeated. It wasn’t enough to win the league though, we finished second to Germiston High. They won a game more while we drew, it was a fair result but the writing was on the wall, this U15 side was destined to dominate the district and they did. Germiston, while they won the league were defeated by Norkem, we beat Norkem 3-1 at their own school. We outmatched them everywhere. The following two seasons we dominated the district in convincing fashion, finishing both seasons undefeated – the last loss was when they were U14s. Me and Kay did great. Our new U14 team was also coming on good, we won several games and drew 2-2 against Norkem, it was a good result considering we had administrative problems, some players couldn’t play. From a hopeless situation, we led the boys to a third place finish. Both our teams, U14 & U15’s did great and for our efforts me and Kay got medals, our silver trophy was shared with the whole school on morning assembly. It was a great year.
Kay was a perfect partner, absolutely perfect. Truthfully, no one was better Kay, he was a straight “A” student and had social and emotional intelligence. Kay sat on the first table on the first row with Senzile and other winners in Physics class. Trust me when I say “no one was better than Kay” – everybody knew that Kay was the best. I respected Kay. He was a winner, diligent, professional, motivated, knowledgeable, intelligent, focused, enthused and totally committed to the course – of course, the greatest soccer team that Rhodesfield Technical has ever seen was started by me & Kay; That’s obvious, that is something that was already written by the stars. Thank you Mr. Dzumba for giving me a chance, I am eternally grateful.
antakalipa 