The human experience is such a comedy but also a tragedy at the same time. You mean we are not in control of who we love? That secretly the Universe and all the forces of this planet conspire and decide my fate? The arrogance in that notion – it makes me sick! Just maybe everything in the world has already been done and I have to be allocated in a category. Apparently a category has already been assigned to me. Does it mean I am already in a box? Confined and blinded by my restrictions. This can’t be life – there has to be more. Maybe this could be a simulated reality. I now find the subject of love vague and grey. If we subconsciously project our experiences as young individuals originating from our childhood and parents to our partners – Isn’t love predictable, with a pattern? I feel my life is a performing stock option projected to do well in the coming years. I feel life is channeled. I feel everybody lied to me. I feel betrayed. Like love is rigged and fixed. You mean there are more people like me who fell in love because of projections and repressed subconscious desires. Are you saying I am the problem? But I am different.
In that case I hate love. It doesn’t make sense and I renounce life as well. How are conflicting feelings or ideas possible with love? Why are we so obsessive? Are we the ones in our bodies because sometimes I feel possessed by an overwhelming spirit that does what it wants? Is it even real? What’s real? I don’t know. I don’t understand how a mature and practical adult can regress to behavior seen as childish because of love. I don’t understand how someone can be fearful of being alone. I don’t understand why love makes us such bad judges of characters. Why are we willingly blind? I don’t understand why we mistake a narcissist for a genius, the suffocator for a nurturer, the slacker for the exciting rebel and the control freak for the protector. Its madness and stupid. Maybe it makes sense that love stems from repressed unconscious desires; because then we can define it and try to examine and understand. In the game of love what is most repressed shines through – the irony in that statement. What a show! Love is clearly the undisputed champion of the world.
5 January 2005 When the farm is finally stable. I will invest in the soccer team. I want to see it prosper – to succeed. It is there where I feel more alive – the soccer pitch. I get lost in the moments every time, every day, and every second. I want to play in the PSL someday. At the highest level. To be a manager at that level would be wow! Just a season for me individually would be sufficient. The team needs to be a household name. I have high hopes for those boys. Must be crippling pressure for them. But I doubt it. They are engaged with me. They are in every moment, every second – they love it! Then I want to look at Real Estate and Construction, Renewable Energy and Telecommunications, The Art School and Art revenues. I still have a long way to go. I still have to go to a world cup tournament. I still want to travel the world and explore. I want to die having assured the future generation legacies. I want to be the best I can be. I want to be a pillar for all my children.
12 June 2005 I met a girl a month ago. Her name is Siphosethu. A friend had a small intimate gathering thing and naturally I had assist with preparations. Late after the gathering Andrew’s cousin and friend came through. It had an “after- tears vibe” but nobody died. It was just close family and friends. The mood was festive and carefree. We were sitting by the Lapa next to the pool. Everyone was engaged in some sort of activity, we were sharing stories and laughing, mixing alcohol brewages and laughing, smoking Hubbly and laughing and just chilling and relaxing.
Andrew’s cousin Siphosethu and I were talking all night. I think she likes me. She liked the fact that I was enterprising, young and ambitious. I could see it in her eyes – they sparkled with almost admiration. She made me feel so good. Things to talk about just flowed from the structure of being; I couldn’t contain myself. She made it easy. I even told her about the soccer team. Her response was overwhelming! Well, while she said she doesn’t follow sports – she’d love to go to the stadium and watch a game. I sensed I was on the right path with that response. I casually told her that we should go together – she agreed, so now we are going to see the derby in a month’s time. I am excited. I like her – you know she could be the one. An unplanned pregnancy wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world? Would it? No, I need to be focused. Yes, it would be the worst thing in the world – it would be a disaster!
24 August 2005 Last night I told her about the organization I was heading in my adolescence years. She wanted to know more so I told her, in the process getting lost in the moment. She looked at me with such worship. I can’t explain or put into words what I felt. But it was great. Our conversation gave me a rush. I feel she’s that one thing that has been missing in my life. Now that I have her, I feel unstoppable; like nothing can stand in my way. Like Thanos on the Marvel franchise “Infinity Wars” when he wiped half of life in the planet. She makes me feel like I can fly. Like there’s nothing I can’t accomplish in the world. She’s good to me. I am falling in love with her.
25 August 2005 I want to make all her dreams come true.
30 March 2006 I think I was wrong about Siphosethu. She doesn’t quite do it. What we had is gone. It’s a shame. We could have had something beautiful. She was teachable too. It’s a energy thing, I think somewhere down the road she disengaged and my spirit felt it. She deceived me. She lured me to the dragons den. She didn’t care about me – she was using me. I need to break-up with her. I don’t trust her.
Reverse engineering, what’s the last thing you see after a Amanda Bothma show? Standing ovation, people on their feet, clapping their hands enthusiastically. A lukewarm response is unfathomable. Using a Star Wars anology, the force forces you to stand elevated. It’s an appreciation thing for what you have just witnessed on the stage. Her shows are a prime example of finesse. It’s the writing, it’s witty, biographical and humanizes the subjects to make them relatable, the writing has a lot feeling and emotion. The experience coops in your mind like a cacoon and you leave the show feeling like a butterfly. Almost witchcraft, it keeps you in a trance where you are at her mercy but then she strings you along a roller coaster ride and the end result is just satisfying. The music usually the best in the world. You can’t help but to get on your feet and start applauding – the force has you!
You gotta love opening night, the sold out audience, the energy, the excitement! I absolutely had no doubts about “A Star Is Born”, I came prepared, I knew exactly what I was getting myself into. I went to the theatre expecting a great show. I went to the theatre expecting to be dazzled and the show delivered. It didn’t take long for me to fall in love with Kerry Hiles, she’s magnetic, charismatic and that smile radiates like the suns ray. It’s contagious, she radiates warmth, she’s beautiful. Amazing performer, story-teller and singer. Her comedic timing is spot-on. She sings with emotion, passion and the delivery – top notch.
Reverse engineering, the show starts off with Judy Garland’s death and chronicles the life she lived. Tragic, she had everything young; success, acclaim, awards but died relatively poor because of his management team, sleeping on fans couches. I guess money and celebrity won’t make you happy if you have never been happy. Instead it stretches out the hole in your soul. Depression, imposter syndrome, drugs, divorces, awards, acclaim, suicide attempts, success, money, failure and the adoration of the world – a hell of a life! Ultimately, she died courtesy of a accidental overdose of sleeping pills. Yes, accidental, an autopsy confirmed it. Don’t understand the beauty standards of her day, movie executives claimed she was ugly. How’s that possible? She’s beautiful and her image is iconic but I guess anything to keep her in line and keep her turning that money wheel. She has been turning that money-wheel for executives ever since she was 13 years old, making them millions throughout her life. Her whole life, she was created by executives. Show-business, it’s not pretty and you have to have a thick skin. All the love from the world can make you feel so alone. No one really cares, you are just a mirage, a fleeting moment, a pay day to exploit. Everyone forgets you’re a human being.
Overall, tragic story masterfully told by a expert storyteller. She is expressive, her voice has range, uses her body and hands to communicate and express herself, she is lively, animated and makes use of the stage to perfection. The singing is top-tier all the way. The lighting intimate, subtle and nuanced but still moves the story. Set minimal with just a chair, three big pictures and the piano on stage. Luke Holder on piano didn’t put a foot wrong all night, he complimented Kerry, they were in sync, they were unstoppable! Great show, will be coming back for Kerry’s smile and her exploits on the stage.
10 January 2009 My first day of school was good. High school is not so bad. There’s no initiation at our school so that’s good. You hear horrific stories about initiation in other schools; people are humiliated. It’s a fate I’d rather avoid. Instead of initiation the school, particularly the student’s representative council came up with this diabolical, genius alternative. They gave us Yellow A4 Papers and written on them with ink were: “Chipmunks 2009” and there was space to fill in your name and class. We were requested to get cardboard and stick that A4 paper on the cardboard and then with string hang that to our necks. At all times, we have to wear that board. To further humiliate us, every grade 8 student had to get a signature from a member of the student’s representative council. There are 40 prefects – that’s 40 signature. They taunt us, embarrass us and humiliate us first before they sign. I wonder what would happen if I “forgot” my board at home tomorrow. I am glad I am not the only fellow who came from my primary. I saw and engaged in a conversation with like 50 of them. Oscar, Christopher, Lesego and Shaun are also here. I even saw Katlego; in 2006 I relocated and as a consequence I changed schools, in the same school I enrolled with she was new to and she was in the same level. In fact, they put us in the same class. And we become buddies for a while. I changed schools again at the end of the academic year so we not so close but I am confident she remembers me. We could start something, she is hot. I just can’t wait to get to school tomorrow. There’s a big chance that I might be class captain – but we will see tomorrow.
27 March 2009 I was too slow. I saw her walking with somebody – a guy. A Grade 11 student. Did I even have a chance? Damn!
14 April 2010 I didn’t see Katlego and Sihle today. Maybe they have broken up. I mean he is in Grade 12. He probably doesn’t have time to entertain girls. Maybe I should enquire. She walks to the bus station every day sharply at 16:00 pm. I could engineer a moment. What’s the worst that could happen? Try is the best. If I don’t talk to her tomorrow then I have to get naked in the street and just run around – like a madman! Deal?
12 January 2011 I think this year will be a good year. Katlego is in my class. I really feel I have a chance at a perfect year. I have facetime with Katlego – anything can happen. My goals for this year are doing well in the field of academics and have Katlego as my girlfriend.
24 August 2011 I don’t know what is hard about telling her I love her. That I want to be with her. It’s simple enough. She haunts me. I am a disgrace to my ancestors and all my uncles.
4 September 2011 I think I am building something. We sometimes talk for hours on Facebook. Her responses are rapid and she enjoys engaging with me. She tells me a lot. She told me her dream of being a model and I agreed. Smitten yes, but she could be a great model. She told me about her passion for food and I got caught up and mesmerized by her vision. She consumed me. She also shed a light on the dark corners of her life for me. She has deep daddy issues and I think she needs to confront that – not that I told her. How can I exploit that? She excites me. I like her.
21 February 2012 She told me about her substance abuse dilemma. She said she has been clean for some time though. I don’t know what to make of it. I can’t judge because life is tough and I know that. I am not sure, maybe she’s not the girl I thought she was. She’s been through a lot. Do I really need all that drama? That’s why I prefer older, mature women. It’s easier with them. I can’t be the one to save Katlego.
8 March 2012 Another guy? When will she retire from dating in school? However, this changes nothing. I still have the edge. This new guy doesn’t know the things I know about his girlfriend. I could still push the button.
17 November 2012 It was merit evening today. She was announced as the new head girl. I am so proud of her. She’s great that’s what I always tell her. For her speech she used the speech that I wrote her. That makes me a part of her moment for life. What a special day!
28 January 2013 Funny how I always think about her. The fact that I have a girlfriend has no weight in this situation. She’s hot, she’s sexy.
1 October 2013 She recommended a notorious club located in the area of Randburg that is known for outrageous prices on alcohol for our Matric Farewell Party. Entrance is R500 and a 6 pack is R250. Yea, right like that is going to happen. Not everybody is living on the dark side – not everybody has a sugar-daddy. I wish I had money. Everything is easier with money.
3 September 2018
I started talking to her again. She hit me up on Facebook and asked for my number to communicate on Whatsapp.
7 September 2018 She still excites me. She gives my mind a rush. I asked her to send me her nudes and she did. She has the best tits in the world. It was routine. I sent her a picture. Normally, they send me explicit pictures and today was no different. You see with the nudes in my possession, I have the psychological edge – the power; I can make them do anything. They are trapped and in danger of being a slave to fabricated intense desire. The subconscious can be evil sometimes, I think I exploited her “daddy issues” problem. Or maybe I was just that horny. No, it’s deep rooted: I like her. She sent me videos that were out of this world. She’s a freak, she’s dangerous, she has scars, she’s an exception, different and I love that about her. I would do anything to fuck this girl.
19 November 2018 I think I hold rights to her mind. We had an explicit conversation on Whatsapp today and she said she wanted to ride me good. In her own words, she said “I am going to blow your mind away.” She objectified me – it was the coolest thing EVER! She wants to own and dominate me! Before I replied to her messages I closed my eyes and acknowledged the internet. I thanked Nikola Tesla, without him none of this would have been possible. He propelled humanity forward. He died a virgin so no man could die a virgin ever again! After about 5 minutes, I opened my eyes and replied to her kind proposition. I am so going to fuck this girl!
First time at The Cirk, Sam crossed the ball from the flank and I headed it in for the match winning goal. Excited about seeing the Meat Loaf show for the whole week. I got the “very best of” album, double disk, to prime myself for the experience. This show is 🔥🔥🔥, nothing but fire emojies. When fire is around, you have to look at it, you can’t screen it out, it forces you to look, to invest your energy. Something evolutionary about fire, perhaps Darwin has something on it. We surrounded the stage like a bonfire, it was impossible to look away. Immersive experience, you have no time to be bored, there’s always something to look at, beautiful chaos with the acrobats, they are athletic with great bodies, 6 pack and puffed out chests. The ladies are flexible and elastic. The acrobats basically did the impossible, amazing, heart in your mouth stuff, breathtakingly beautiful but looks devilishly dangerous. The show was a performers heaven, they were dancing, singing and flying next to us – the audience. Yahto Kraft is an amazing vocalist and is backed up by more amazing singers. The show is very energetic and youthful, it was bursting with vitality, the performers looked happy on the stage, like they were unleashed, like the present moment was all that they had. The show was interactive and theatrical, it had a structure and storyline. The sound crisp and clear not loud but you can’t hear a thing when the show is on, you are in the show, you’re in, you’re in. Once again music with guitars about love prevails. The Lighting helped with attention since there was a lot going on – acrobats flying all around the room and performers singing and dancing on stage simultaneously. 🔥 show! Crazy and weird costumes though, but it’s rock, Rockstars are not known for being normal. Unbelievable show! It was celebrative, joyous, fun and I was in awe most of the time. It was 🔥🔥🔥, nothing but fire emojies, this I mean in a literal sense, one of the performers was playing with fire like nunchucks while the acrobats were in the air doing their stuff, with the rest of the performers singing and dancing on stage simultaneously! Some of the songs performed were “Took the words right out of my mouth”, “two out off three ain’t bad”, “Rock and Roll dreams come true” and my absolute favorite “I would anything for love” it was the last song. Yahto killed that last song, I really enjoyed that, I loved it! Congratulations Timothy Le Roux, The Cirk and the whole team for a great show and a deserved standing ovation.
I love him. He makes me feel like I can fly. I believe in all of his dreams – I think he can change the world. The thing with sexuality is that it objectifies and I don’t to constrain him to that label because he is also intelligent and brilliant. He does have impressive attributes. He works out and has muscles in all the right areas. He has beautiful athletic and manly legs – well defined and toned. He has an ass made in heaven. He drives me crazy. What I would do to be his. I wish he would just wrap me around in those firm, strong and defined arms. I wish he would come in to me. I wish I were the object of his desire; I don’t care about forever – just give me now, today honey! He makes me excited. I feel my blood-level rise up in his presence but it’s ice cold when I talk to him – I can never bring myself to tell him how I feel about him because it’s difficult to phrase in a sentence or explain in a paragraph. What I feel for him is metaphysical; the notion that I’d find him in any realm.
It is not a sex thing; maybe it is written on the fine print but it’s not the product. His the product –Everything about him. It is love. I love him with all his imperfections if you can find them. Just maybe love is being excited. That’s what I do when I think of him and our future – I get excited and it’s almost uncontainable like beer in a glass. He makes me weak to my knees; I think love is the submitting voice within. I often experience high temperatures of fiery fires between my legs and I often wish that he would turn it out – his equipped, he can deal with it and I grant him the power to use force; I am his to do whatever he likes. The disappointment of having to do it myself weakens the self-perception of myself like cancer cells to the immune system. Why doesn’t he see me?
What’s wrong with me? I could make all his dreams come true if he gave me a chance. If he gave me a second glance. If he actually stopped and started gathering data instead of being passive in his activities and actions. I am different from any other girl in the world. I am a keeper. I will make you happy. I just wish he would look for options on the sidelines. I have a chance if I lure him with sex. Sex is manipulative. Sex is to give and take – it involves mutual undertakings. Sex is sly. Sex unlocks. Sex is about power. Sex is dangerous. The unconscious and conscious are actively engaged in the process for both individuals – you are prone to any influence or external factor. You are vulnerable and naked also in literal terms. Repressed thoughts and memories might sneak out in the form of a shadow to haunt you. Sex is to get dirty.
Alternatively, I could mirror him. Find out what he likes. What makes him tick, that will get him to love me. To embrace me. I could get close to his best-friend and maybe plot a plan to cook for him. I could show a bit of effort when it comes to my profile pictures on my Socials. I could write him a letter or a poem. I could tell him I love him – no bad idea, I can’t be direct. It will scare him off. I need to be stealth like a thief in the night. I need to be indirect and attack on the flanks – that’s how I will win his heart.
Micheal is pretty great but if I had to choose, I am going with Prince. Prince inspired Nas, Kendrick Lamar, Bruno Mars Alicia Keys and Beyonce, he lives in their music. He is entrenched in the fiber of popular culture. I am going with Prince because of Eddie Murphy on “Coming to America”, they made a sequel 30 years later and his music still served as a soundtrack to the movie. He makes timeless art, art about love and beautiful girls. Going with Prince because of Electric guitars and ’80 synthesizers. Going with Prince because of “When Doves Cry”, still one of my favorite songs of all time, it gets me in the mood, I can’t help but to dance to it. Going with Prince because he was an amazing creative who in addition to serving as the lead vocalist, produced all his music. No seriously, Prince did everything! He played all the instruments, I am talking guitar, drums, sax and organs. He also chereographed the moves you see on stage. Going with Prince because his music was futuristic yet retro. Contradictory? Juxtaposition? Nah, listen to the music and you’ll understand, it never goes out of style. Going with Prince because of my two EPs, “Projections” and “the hero”, if I were to create a full length LP, it would have a Prince influence, I’d be over the top, talk about love and guitars would dominate. Going with Prince because of “Purple Rain”. “Purple Rain” is “Purple Rain”, self-explaintory, one of the greatest albums ever made and millions around the world have been conceived to it. Going with Prince because of his style, the androgynous sensitive artist and how his music makes me feel. I feel happy, I want to dance and I feel enveloped by love. Prince because I am a romantic. Prince because of “The most beautiful girl in the world”. Prince because of 1999! Prince because “Purple Rain” is better than “Thriller”. Opps! Don’t mean to be inflammatory, this is just one man’s opinion. I love Micheal, but if I had to choose, I am going with Prince, Prince is closer to my spirit.
Joburg Theatre hosted a Prince concert today, Sam put in the through ball and I finished off the move. Outstanding show! Amazing performer Dale Ray is. He is Prince in every sense! He sang like him, he danced like him, he even played all the instruments! No kidding! He played the Electric guitar, piano, sax, keyboard, drums and danced throughout. Great stage presence, he interacted with the audience and made us feel like we were a part of the show. I can’t believe it! I went to a Prince concert! It had all the enthusiasm, the lights, the band, screens, amazing sound, cheographed dancing, beautiful lady back-up singers and I was in unison with the crowd when we sang! It wasn’t a dream, it was live. We were on our feet, some on their knees and we sang to the top of our lungs and Prince himself validated and acknowledged our presence! Prince himself lead us into these songs. Dale Ray is Prince, he is Prince in every sense! “When Doves Cry” was second on the program, “I Would Die 4 You” somewhere, “Kiss” there, “Cream” of course, other classics and “Purple Rain” last, we should have demanded an encore, to stretch the moment a bit longer, stay in that spirit, dance and sing the whole night away. Congratulations to Showtime Australia for an amazing concert and the whole team for a great concert. Unforgettable. Memorable.
antakalipa 