BABYGIRL

Babygirl I apologize for everything. I lacked the fundamental skill of observation. I lacked empathy and sympathy. I am a bad person. I had a passive mind and it was fixed blaming you. Love frustrates me. I often think how many people would know love if the word didn’t exist. Society and popular culture keeps forcing it down my throat – and I don’t like their version. I am frustrated by everything. The world keeps implementing gender neutral policies and I don’t know what they mean for future generations so I often feel marginalized. I don’t mean the disrespectful comments, I am sorry. I should know better, I was raised better than that. The truth is that I wouldn’t manage a day in your heels. It’s hard. I would fall on my face. You do it with style and grace in a zoo filled with cobras, mountain lions and vultures. They all want a piece of you like the middle circle in a dart game – the bullseye! In the end, they all miss. They miss because you were never the target. Self- inspection is the target and they shoot wide and it shows because they don’t know themselves. I too shot wide.

The world is such a tricky and dangerous maze for you. If you somehow escape your immediate family there’s still the external world to contend with. Figures with authority tend to put fingers and parts of themselves into you like the process of validating a ticket in a soccer game and it’s unfair because you’re not the gate. Why must your locks be picked? I get so angry when I reflect because you get to live with the scars. Ocean deep scars that can never be diluted. So the only thing to do is to repress. Just maybe you take pictures and selfies to avoid the horrors of your mind. Like demons they possess the sober mind, that’s why you need social media – it’s therapeutic; the likes say you are loved and I agree.

Babygirl, I don’t know how you handle the pressures of the world. The standard of beauty keeps changing like waves and you are still a classic like Converse “All-Stars”. After all, you need to bait and seduce men. A man who can take care of you and all your needs. We are not getting any younger and time is unfortunately not on our side. That’s why you can never wear too much make- up. The nails and hair need to be up-to-date too, those are the things that matter most. They lure men – that and short skirts. Not that you need a man but a family gives life purpose. Your mother – that bitch, is always on the fence barking orders and making deadlines regarding your life. How can you predict the day you’ll fall in love? They never call back even with short skirts and make-up. They void your attempts like nothing is better. I never used to understand your frustrations but I now do.
It’s like I am alone and it’s not a choice but rather the environment and universe condemning me to that reality. My biological clock is ticking while my peers are settling down and starting families. I have options but they are not viable. Maybe I should rekindle old relations to widen my scope. The lenses I have now show me a very blurry and foggy perspective of the future. My options are being eliminated like hitmen on the roof. My anxiety levels are high as a plane on cruise control. The world has killed my dreams. I am not as pretty as I used to be. I used to get a lot of attention from men but now, not so much. The world discarded me like last week’s newspaper. What am I supposed to do?

Babygirl, I am sorry for insinuating that you have a bad character and questionable values. For most of us we play the hand we have been dealt and hope for the best. Why should conditions and variables be different for you? I was jealous and smitten. With just everything in my fiber, I wanted to be with you. You wanted to be with someone else, someone with better resources who can take care of what’s primary. It was do or die for you – I have to respect that. It’s not your fault I am poor. I just wish I were the object of your lust.

Babygirl, I will do better. I will try for you. I have been so inconsiderate that I am embarrassed. Love consumes and envy is admitting to yourself that you are inadequate and it’s painful. I was attacked by both love and envy simultaneously. My mind with all of its cognition functions couldn’t decode all that information. I crashed. I didn’t mean to relegate you to a world of taking selfies and sharing memes – you are more than that. I get critical of women because of my past. I was with a girl who told her parents that she had a job in the big city – little did I know, I was the job.

I read somewhere that the mind interprets dreams and reality the same way and I was really ecstatic! I couldn’t wait to get to sleep because that’s the only time I get to be with you.
Please take care of yourself

Best Regards

The great man
ANTAKALIPA